1. She's giving me sex eyes.
I think she's giving me sex eyes. No one has ever given me sex eyes. I can confirm these are eyes no one has given me, and I'm hoping they're sex eyes.
2. How do I go about this?
Should I just rub my penis on her until she's like, "Cool, let's do it?" Just knock on her vagina door and see if anyone is home?
3. Should I put a condom on?
Is that too presumptuous, though? Maybe I should ask first. "Hey, is it cool if we stop making out? I have to go fumble with a condom awkwardly because I've never put one on before."
4. Should I tell her I'm a virgin?
I probably should've done that before my penis was inches from her vagina. Can she just tell? Am I projecting virgin vibes?
5. This is going to happen.
You can finally look all your friends in the eye. You will not die a virgin. Don't come too soon. Whatever you do, don't come too soon.
6. Everything is so slippery.
How do I even know what I'm doing? How do I know this isn't her butt? She'd say something right?
7. HOLY SHIDIFIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There are no words for what it feels like the first time you are in a vagina. It's like that scene where Neo plugs into The Matrix and suddenly he knows kung-fu. Everything has changed.
8. How do I kiss and thrust at the same time?
Are you even supposed to? I feel like I'm just convulsing.
9. I've never been more aware of my balls.
They're making weird slappy noises. Does she care?
10. I think my penis is melting.
Yeah, we've had orgasms before, but the first time you do it with someone else it's like you're in the trippy musical scene from Moulin Rouge.
11. What just happened?
I feel like I am being rebuilt from scratch right now.
12. I want to marry you.
KEEP THAT THOUGHT TO YOURSELF YOU DON'T MEAN THAT!
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor changes have been implemented by Cosmo.ph editors.