1. Our penises.
It's our penis. Maybe we love it, maybe we don't. Maybe our opinion changes day-to-day. We definitely don't want to get into an in-depth conversation about it.
2. Deep emotions.
If we have to say anything beyond, "I am sad" our brains just short-circuit and we fall asleep as a defense mechanism.
3. Your ex-boyfriends.
Let the inadvertent and psychologically damaging comparisons begin!
4. Our ex-girlfriends.
We've had them and now we don't. That's what's important.
As far as we're concerned, fashion is ironing our T-shirts. If you start telling us there are different kinds of fabrics we're going to have an existential crisis.
6. The origins of your jokes with your girlfriends.
We're glad it's hilarious any time one of you yells, "You go, Glenn Coco!" We don't need to know why. Some things, like the sun, wind, and giggle fits, just are.
7. The future.
As far as we're concerned, the future is lunch tomorrow. Coincidentally, it's also the only thing we've planned for.
8. Our future.
Wait, what? We have to talk about the rest of our lives together? That's such a long time. That's like... all of it. All of the time.
9. Why our hobbies are dumb.
We know they're dumb. That's why they're hobbies and not careers.
10. Your frenemies.
When we don't like someone, we don't hang out with them. We don't understand why you would call someone you hate a "friend" and continue to get coffee with her once a week.
11. Exercise habits.
Ours or yours, someone's going to be secretly offended. On the record, if we want to support you living a healthier lifestyle, that doesn't mean we think you're fat.
12. Which celebrities we think are hot.
This is the ultimate conversational landmine. Stop asking. If you ask again, we will distract you by starting a fire, because that is a better alternative.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor changes have been implemented by Cosmo.ph editors.