1. I can see why guys are into these. I stare at them in the mirror all day, every day, and I never get tired of them. Good call with the breast-liking, men.
2. Where did you even come from? At one point, I didn't have you, and then suddenly I did. I know there was probably a process but honestly I do not recall it.
3. I wonder how much they weigh. Should I put them on a scale? Do I do that individually and put them up there like cuts of meat? Will it even get an accurate weight? Can I use a scale you'd use for food portions? Maybe I should buy a separate scale.
4. What the hell is this one random hair? One time I got one hair—one — on my breast and I couldn't understand where it had come from. Did someone plant a seed there? And then it was finally harvest season and bam, a hair exists there now? I still have no idea.
5. Is this how everyone's nipples look? It can't be. I'm sure there are larger and smaller nipples, or darker or lighter. Wow. I just realized there are probably thousands of types of nipples I've never seen before. I should spend the rest of the day Googling nipples just to make sure I never miss seeing a good pair. That'd be like missing a sunset and no one wants that.
6. It truly sucks that I cannot walk around topless all the time. Guys, if you could just be cool about it, we would do this all the time.
7. My breasts look so weird when I'm on top during sex. I can't stop staring at them, and then I lose focus and realize I'm having sex with another person. Then I try to focus on the other person, but seriously, when else do I get to look at my breasts while they're moving like this? I have to seize this opportunity to study them in this environment. BRB, sex.
8. I wonder what my breasts look like when someone is on top of me. Juuuust gonna take a boob selfie from high up to replicate the angle. Oh, nice! Lucky him.
9. Why is there seemingly no perfect bra size?! There's always something that feels slightly off. I don't know if one of you is larger and one of you is smaller, or if I'm just a weird, in-between size, but something's off. Why can't you just make a decision to mold to society's definition of standard breast sizing? Seriously.
10. I wish I could magically change you juuuuust slightly without any surgery at all. Like with my mind or something. For me, I wish my breasts were juuuust slightly smaller. And by that I mean "by several cup sizes" but still, that's a small adjustment, right? No big.
11. I wonder what it would be like to have someone else's breasts for a day. Like Freaky Friday but with breasts. I could walk around with smaller breasts or much, much larger ones and then, ultimately grow to appreciate the breasts I already have. That'd be a cool day.
12. Is everyone naming you but me? Should I give you names? Um, Mr. and Mrs. Vanhausenschnitz. Maybe that's too formal. Or maybe it's not too formal, but you're actually Mrs. and Mrs. Vanhausenschnitz, and I just didn't know. My apologies. I support your union.
13. Yes, I am going to spend the whole afternoon poking you and watching you move like Jello. This is very productive of me. A+.
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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.