13 Things Every Woman Thinks About Her Breasts

You know, I never get tired of looking at these.

1. I can see why guys are into these. I stare at them in the mirror all day, every day, and I never get tired of them. Good call with the breast-liking, men.

2. Where did you even come from? At one point, I didn't have you, and then suddenly I did. I know there was probably a process but honestly I do not recall it.

3. I wonder how much they weigh. Should I put them on a scale? Do I do that individually and put them up there like cuts of meat? Will it even get an accurate weight? Can I use a scale you'd use for food portions? Maybe I should buy a separate scale.

4. What the hell is this one random hair? One time I got one hair—one — on my breast and I couldn't understand where it had come from. Did someone plant a seed there? And then it was finally harvest season and bam, a hair exists there now? I still have no idea.

5. Is this how everyone's nipples look? It can't be. I'm sure there are larger and smaller nipples, or darker or lighter. Wow. I just realized there are probably thousands of types of nipples I've never seen before. I should spend the rest of the day Googling nipples just to make sure I never miss seeing a good pair. That'd be like missing a sunset and no one wants that.

6. It truly sucks that I cannot walk around topless all the time. Guys, if you could just be cool about it, we would do this all the time.

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7. My breasts look so weird when I'm on top during sex. I can't stop staring at them, and then I lose focus and realize I'm having sex with another person. Then I try to focus on the other person, but seriously, when else do I get to look at my breasts while they're moving like this? I have to seize this opportunity to study them in this environment. BRB, sex.

8. I wonder what my breasts look like when someone is on top of me. Juuuust gonna take a boob selfie from high up to replicate the angle. Oh, nice! Lucky him.

9. Why is there seemingly no perfect bra size?! There's always something that feels slightly off. I don't know if one of you is larger and one of you is smaller, or if I'm just a weird, in-between size, but something's off. Why can't you just make a decision to mold to society's definition of standard breast sizing? Seriously.

10. I wish I could magically change you juuuuust slightly without any surgery at all. Like with my mind or something. For me, I wish my breasts were juuuust slightly smaller. And by that I mean "by several cup sizes" but still, that's a small adjustment, right? No big.

11. I wonder what it would be like to have someone else's breasts for a day. Like Freaky Friday but with breasts. I could walk around with smaller breasts or much, much larger ones and then, ultimately grow to appreciate the breasts I already have. That'd be a cool day.

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12. Is everyone naming you but me? Should I give you names? Um, Mr. and Mrs. Vanhausenschnitz. Maybe that's too formal. Or maybe it's not too formal, but you're actually Mrs. and Mrs. Vanhausenschnitz, and I just didn't know. My apologies. I support your union.

13. Yes, I am going to spend the whole afternoon poking you and watching you move like Jello. This is very productive of me. A+.

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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.

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