When Harry Met Sally/MGM Studios
1. Hmm, this sexual situation is not going very well and has not been going very well for quite some time now.
Maybe it'll just magically get better because my mind will tell his mind, "Yo, it's not good," telepathically even though I don't think I have magical powers.
2. Maybe if I shift my body in a different way, he'll notice all the shifting and be like, "Does that not feel good?" and then I can be like, "No!"
Oooh, yes! Like a #SecretCode that doesn't involve brain messages like the other one did because that failed.
3. That didn't work so I'm going to switch positions and focus on him for a while.
Maybe he's in his own head a lot too and just needs to switch things up. Good plan, me.
4. What day is it? I think there's a new episode of How To Get Away With Murder on tonight.
Can I stream it somewhere? I should double-check whenever this sex is over. Ugh, that's a depressing sentence.
5. Wait, what if this is actually my fault because all I keep thinking about is my freaking TV show when this hot guy I like is on top of me right now?
Yes. That must be it. I'm too in my own head and I should just relax into it a little more. Will do.
6. Now all I can think about is how I should be in the moment, which is weirdly taking me out of the moment.
7. Whoa! That's actually pretty good. I think we're getting somewhere.
HELL YES! Nice, now all he has to do is just keep doing exactly what he's doing and… Nope, he lost it. Why, Andrew, whyyyyy?
8. I know this is probably anti-feminist and goes against everything I believe in on earth but… Maybe I should just fake it?
No. No way. I hate hearing that women have faked their orgasms. I should just tell him it's not working and see if maybe he can change what he's doing. He wants me to have a good time here and not keep dreaming of binge-watching TV aka not having sex with him, so I should just speak up and I will.
9. I'm glad I told him what to do differently but I also feel like it's weird now and he's trying to get back into the rhythm and all I can think about is how we just had to have The Talk while we're naked and it's awkward.
Even my vagina feels awkward.
10. Aww, I feel like he's trying to learn complicated dance moves that I just introduced him to instead of just doing the usual interpretive dance that we do, but, you know, with sex stuff.
I kind of just want to be like, "You know what? Forget it," but then he'll think none of it was good and like… 20 percent of it was okay. Sort of. You know what? Screw this.
11. Is this how I would usually sound when I orgasm?
I have no idea because I've never tape-recorded it. I can't sound too porny right off the bat or he'll know. I have to ease into it.
12. How long do I have to keep sounding like this?
Like three minutes? Eight? If it's only, like, two minutes I might blow my cover, but if it's, like, 10 minutes, he might think I'm dying, so I think I'll shut it down now.
13. I wonder if he knows that I faked it because I feel like he doesn't, which is a little depressing.
And also now I feel like a sex liar. And even worse, I didn't even come and I think he thinks he did an awesome job, and so now the next time we have sex, he'll think those horrible moves are The Moves I Love and I'll have to deal with this again. How was this worth it? Regret. I am a vagina full of regret.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.