1. Cry in the shower. It's not the most dignified spot to find yourself post-breakup, but sometimes you get blindsided by the person you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with. So you cry in the shower, you cry while you eat breakfast, you cry while you drive to work, you cry in the bathroom at work, you cry driving home ... you get the idea. You DO NOT CRY where other people can see you.
2. Frantically swipe right on Tinder. Sometimes, it's best to just move on as quickly as humanly possible. Standards, hygienic preferences, and common interests go out the window, and you just search for the first person who basically tells you, "If we hang out, I'll make out with you."
3. Frantically swipe right IRL. Sometimes, technology isn't fast enough, and you're better off going to the nearest bar and hoping you find someone as sad and desperate as you. For some reason, having someone who smells like cheap cigarettes and cheaper gin shove their tongue down your throat helps with the healing process.
4. Hole up at home and binge watch Friends while downing bag after bag of Cheetos. Other times, we just need to sit inside for a few days, alternating between sleeping, binge-watching stuff (and hitting that blissful twilight between watching and sleep) and ordering tons of takeout while we wear basketball shorts. It's just a matter of letting the breakup feel as horrible as possible for a few days until it gets out of your system, like the flu.
5. Become a digital stalker. Granted, this could technically happen along with some of these other breakup standards, but the true digital stalker devotes way too much time to digging through old Instagram posts out of nostalgia. And then he'll look at recent Facebook updates trying to see if his ex had moved on. "IS THERE SOMETHING GOING ON BETWEEN HER AND THAT GUY WHO COMMENTED 'LOL' ON HER 'I HATE MONDAYS' POST?"
6. Try for a Say Anything Hail Mary last-ditch effort to salvage the relationship. It's usually cringe-inducing, but the guy can't let go. Instead, he puts all his time and effort into writing you a song or figuring out just what he thinks you want to hear. Then he shows up at your door only to have you call the police.
7. Delete all thoughts and memories of you like we're a robot. Sometimes, it's easiest to just forget it and move on, and not take any baggage with you. It's easier with relationships that didn't last that long, but some people are perfectly capable of thinking, Well, if they weren't into me, than I'm not into them. And that's it. No coping mechanism or anything.
8. Reconnect with long-lost bros. It's nice to look on the bright side and take advantange of all your free time. And also your ability to hang out with anyone your ex didn't approve of.
9. Swear off dating forever. It'll never happen, at least not forever, but sometimes an ex can screw a guy up so bad that he can't even think about dating for at least a year. He's just a eunuch, basically.
10. Get really, really into the gym. You know who grunts and drops stuff a little too hard in the gym? Guys who just went through a breakup.
11. Punch shit. The wall. A pillow. An actual punching bag. Just something to get your aggression out.
12. Post "Love is a lie and we all die alone. You'll find out sooner or later, JESSICA" on Facebook. This one is assuming you are either in high school or still act like you're in high school.
13. Listen to "Gravedigger" by Dave Matthews on repeat. No one is above this. But we're praying no one walks in when we listen to Blink 182's "Miss You" after playing it for the seventh time. We'll throw in some Adele just for kicks.