1. It's our best friend. We've known our penis our whole life. It's been there for us through thick and thin, and we really bonded during puberty. Most of us would rather lose an arm or a leg before losing our penis.
2. HOW BIG IS OUR PENIS, REALLY? Every man has had at least one penis-related moment of self-doubt. A genital crisis. Is our penis too small? Too big? Too fat or thin? Does it curve too much to the left or right? Do we have a great penis? Please tell us. We need to know.
3. Thank you for being there when I have idle hands. Sometimes, messing around with our penis isn't even sexual. We just like doing it because we're bored. It's like having a built-in pen to twirl.
4. WHY DO YOU BETRAY ME? I'm still getting boners at inopportune times. Your penis is like that friend who is generally pretty cool but then you take him to a party, and he gets too drunk and gets you kicked out.
5. You've got too much influence on my brain. I need to think less about making you happy and more about doing things that don't involve you. I would probably be a millionaire right now if I spent less time masturbating and played the stock market instead.
6. Oh, shit. I have two holes. There comes a time in every man's life when he stumbles upon the fact that he has a hole for urine and one for semen. His life is never the same after that.
7. Don't tell the balls, but I like you better. I mean, come on, they're alright, but they don't bring as much to table.
8. You need to learn to deal in the heat, man. If a penis has one glaring weakness, it's hot, humid weather. I don't think I need to tell you why.
9. Why is there so much hair? Once you combine that fact with the above point, it's really unfair.
10. You are so full of mystery. It is incredible just how versatile and malleable you are. You can be soft and hard, change size and shape. You are a series of beautiful contradictions, penis.
11. I'm sorry I sit on you. There are few things worse than sitting on your own junk, especially if you just let yourself free fall onto the seat hard, not realizing your about to land on your own manhood. I'm pretty sure this is where the phrase "hoisted by his own petard" comes from (but maybe I'm wrong).
12. Please try your best not to touch the toilet seat. This is absolutely terrible, especially if it's a public bathroom. Feeling the cold kiss of porcelain while knowing that lots of other strange penises probably pressed up against that same spot sparks a deep fear in a man's heart. A primal fear, like hearing the howl of a nearby wolf.
13. Why do you insist on getting tangled up in my boxers? This is just not good for anyone. Please stay put, instead of twisting yourself in there like a cat getting stuck in yarn.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.