1. Wow, I must be doing a great job. She's like porno-loud. Which is awesome. I am king.
2. This is pretty hot. I'm into this. Maybe I'm too into this. Stay focused, dude.
3. What if the neighbors can hear? Do you think they're impressed? I wonder at what point they go from "impressed" to "annoyed"? Probably after the first 30 seconds.
4. What if children can hear? I guess I'd feel kind of bad about that. I wonder how many impromptu "this is where babies come from" talks our sex is forcing parents to awkwardly have. I should stop thinking about this during sex.
5. Wait, what if people think something bad is happening? Oh, no. What if they think I'm murdering her. Like, I know what's really up, but if I were standing outside, what would I assume is going on in here? I wonder if that says something about how I look, if my neighbors are more likely to assume that I am murdering someone instead of pleasing them sexually.
6. What if the police get called? I guess I'd be OK with dying in a hail of gunfire while having sex. Everyone would feel really bad about that afterward, I bet. All the neighbors would be saying how they wished they knew I was just good at sex-having.
7. Oh, god. My ears. That one was right in my ear. I think she even did it on purpose. Does she think I like it when she puts her mouth over my ear and screams?
8. Can I get tinnitus from this? Is it worth it? I guess so. But maybe weird to brag about at the bar.
9. Is she faking? I mean, I've never come so hard I screamed. This is starting to seem theatrical.
10. I definitely don't want to pause the action and ask. That'd be bad. I can't even imagine how that would go. "Hey, sorry. I stopped because you seem way to into it and it's making me incredulous."
11. Nah, you know what? I'd rather just assume this is all me. Why ruin a good thing?
12. Oh, she finished. Now it feels eerily quiet.
13. It's really hard to orgasm with a ringing in your ears. It's like I just went to a fireworks show. This was basically the January one of sex.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.