1. Don't trap him under the covers.
We're already a little short on air down there. Depriving us of light and turning the bed into a sweatbox borders on torture methods.
2. Don't grind too hard.
There's nothing wrong with getting into it, but the nose is a very painful bone to break.
3. Don't make any sudden noises.
That sounds more like advice you'd give to someone who's cautiously approaching a deer, but it holds true here. Make as much noise as you want, but if you go from silent to screaming without a moment's notice we're going to assume we either hurt you or released a ghost from your vagina. And then we're going to stop and ask if you're OK and look like an idiot when you respond, "Noononoonoono don't stop."
4. Try not to be self-conscious.
Yes, that's easier said than done, but if you're the kind of woman who gets self-conscious about her lady bits, let me tell you: when someone has their tongue wedged firmly inside you is not the time to be worrying about it. They love it, and they're not going back.
5. Don't fake an orgasm.
This just doesn't help anyone. If you "orgasm" during this terrible excuse for cunnilingus, you're going to get this terrible excuse for cunnilingus every time. You're better off asking to move on to the main event (which is sex for most people, but I don't know what you're into) in the moment and offering some tips later.
6. Don't hold his head down for too long.
As hot as grabbing the back of our head is, we need to come up for a deep breath every few minutes. In that moment, think of us like a sex dolphin.
7. Don't stare.
Eye contact is hot. Cold, unwavering eyes are creepy. Also, remember to blink so we don't mistake you for dead or angry, neither of which are particularly desirable traits in a partner, regardless of gender.
8. Don't forget about your boobs.
Depending on how we're situated, we might not be able to get to your nipples comfortably. No guy will ever object to you playing with your own nipples. I don't know much, but I know, in my heart, that this is true.
9. Don't be afraid to give some instructions.
Helpful hints and requests are sexy as hell.
10. Don't fart.
This is just oral sex etiquette. At least give us a heads up. When we're down there, there's no way you're going to sneak one out, so don't even try to do it subtly.
11. Don't pull his hair too hard.
Grabbing our hair like it's the handlebars of an orgasm-bike is fine. Pulling tufts out while we're going down on you is not.
12. Don't worry if you're uh...producing a lot of liquid.
Some guys are really into it. In fact, it's how we know we're doing a good job.
13. Don't say, "Screw this, I'll do it myself."
Guys don't recover from hearing things like that. Ever. You know those friends who just throw their stuff in a van one day and head out west to "find themselves?" Those people were bad at oral sex.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.