It doesn't matter how mutual the breakup is or who broke up with whom or who started drama or who ended it. It's all about who is doing better afterward.
1. You still hang out with all your mutual friends.
If there is anything that could be considered a raw numerical score on post-breakup trajectory, it's who keeps the most mutual friends. Is this a sociopathic way of viewing other human beings? Yes. Are you allowed to be a sociopath for a bit after a breakup? Yes.
2. You actually hit the gym to deal with your sadness/stress.
You don't sit around feeling sorry for yourself and you're actually really happy with your progress. Ain't no one sitting around eating a tub of ice cream and watching Bridget Jones's Diary.
3. You've gone on a series of great dates.
You're killing it on the dating scene. Last you heard, your ex was basically a hermit. Bonus points if they broke up because they said they wanted to "see other people."
4. You cleaned your apartment.
Not your typical clean. You scorched-earth threw away everything that reminds you of your ex. Their old underwear, books they left behind, stupid presents they gave you. Maybe you literally burned them, maybe you just tossed them in the garbage. But they're gone.
5. You deleted their number from your phone already.
Because you know you're not going to bother with them again.
6. They broke first and texted you, "hey, how are you?" at 1 a.m.
They are at your mercy. Bonus points if you just reply, "lol."
7. You got a promotion at work.
You know it's going to get back to them. You two break up and suddenly the sky is the limit for you.
8. You run into them, and they're wearing sweatpants and holding a McDonald's bag.
They don't look so great. And you can see in their eyes that they miss you. You stop short of licking up the single tear that rolls down their cheek, but the whole thing is really satisfying.
9. You run into them and you're on a date.
The ultimate "fuck you" post-breakup moment is when you get to introduce someone new as your date. If you really want to screw with your ex though, you don't have to introduce them at all. Just leave them wondering if it's a long-lost hot cousin or what.
10. You haven't posted a single vague, sad song lyric on Facebook.
Meanwhile your ex is sitting at their computer listening to some Spotify playlist that's mostly Sam Smith and Adele. You win.
11. You're getting sick compliments on your new haircut.
And your ex quietly liked a picture of it you posted on Facebook.
12. You're still shaving.
13. A mutual friend says your ex has been asking about you.
It's not a total meltdown, but it means they're still kind of hoping you'll come crawling back. Unfortunately for them, you have a new haircut and a date.
14. You're out partying with your friends and you run into them sad drinking.
They try and go in for a lingering hug but you don't let them, and then they just sort of wander off into the night. Adios, old lover.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.