1. What even is this part? The weird flappy thing right over here. Do I Google "flappy thing?" There's probably a name for it, but I'll never know what it is. I'll ask my gyno next visit—haha, JK, I will never remember to ask her about that.
2. I wonder if I could keep stuff in here like a purse. Not much, but, like, a lipstick or an eyeliner, maybe a sealed pack of gum. I'd be hands-free all day and also have a fun secret!
3. You know what? I'm going to take the day to explore you. I have the day off and this movie is boring, so I'm just gonna poke around in there, see what's new and interesting, maybe discover uncharted lands, who knows.
4. You're so pretty!!! I've been taught that you are an ugly troll who lives in my underwear, but in fact, you look really gorgeous and weird and great. I'm into it. 10 out of 10!
5. Should I be trying more zany styles with my pubic hair? Like a faux hawk or dying it neon pink. I mean, it's there and I'm a bold chick and the technology exists. Oh! I should open a vagina salon.
6. How do I shave my labia without splitting it in half and having to explain that to an ER nurse? Oh, yeah, I was just using a pink razor to get a close shave and now I'm bleeding a bunch. I don't know, I had a beach trip coming up and waxing feels like a punishment.
7. How the hell can you break out on your vulva?! Do I need to be using a pore strip on my vag area now? Doing clay vagina masks? I thought I was doing a great job.
8. This is what guys are so obsessed with? It's just a body part. Then again, I hang out with my vagina all the time, so maybe I've started taking it for granted and I regret that. Sorry, vagina. You deserve better.
9. Why are you so hidden? I have to arch my back and get a hand mirror and then peel back, like, 18 layers just to see what's going on in there. What are you hiding?!
10. How am I supposed to take care of you? Do you need your own body wash? Should I just rinse you out with water? That douching crap isn't cool with you, I know that much. Won't try that shit again. Do you need a moisturizer? I'm genuinely asking because no one tells you these things and I want to make sure you have everything you need.
11. You have a penis inside you. How weird is that? Like, right now, in this moment, someone else's body is inside my body. I'm creeping myself out and need to stop thinking about this.
12. Can my boyfriend break you? It feels like he's pushing up against walls that are made of rubber, but what if he accidentally breaks through them? I have to explain that to other guys if we break up one day. What then?
13. I wish I knew more about you. You know, you and me, we've been together long time now. Real long time. Since birth. And I do know a fair amount about you, like you hate douching, you enjoy orgasms, that sort of thing. But what are your hopes and dreams? And how is it possible I have a freckle on my labia? Did you know that was there? Anyway, if you ever want to talk, I'm here.
14. A baby comes out of here? Like a real, live person baby? Haha, noooo way.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.