1. Wait is he looking at me? Or maybe someone is behind me and that's who he's looking at.
2. Why is he looking at me? Do I know this guy from somewhere? The gym, maybe? I don't think so.
3. Maybe I have something on my face? Like mascara that's smudged above my upper lip so I look like I have a mustache. Or I have food on my face. I knew I shouldn't have eaten spaghetti before I came to a bar. That sauce never gets all the way off your face. It just doesn't.
4. Oh god, he's eye-fucking me. Shit. Shit. Shit. What is even happening right now?
5. I can't look at this. I have to look away. Where do I look though?! To the right? To the left? I'll just stare into space, and pretend I'm writing a song or starring in a 1970s music video about sadness, and maybe he'll just leave.
6. But now I have to check and see if he's still doing it. HE IS STILL DOING IT. Why is he still doing it? I guess he knew I was bound to look over there again. But guess what, pal? I'm not going to do it. I'm going to do...something else. Just kidding. I'm going to look again.
7. Do I like this? He's not bad-looking, but it still feels too intense. You know what? No. I can't handle this. I need a break.
8. I'll just pretend to look at my phone. And while I'm at it, might as well just text all my friends that I'm currently being eye-fucked by this random dude.
9. Do I eye-fuck him back? And how do I even do that? Just match his gaze until he does something weird? Or do I make a move with my eyes? I'm truly at a loss.
10. Can you mess up eye-fucking? Like, if I stare at him long enough, is it possible I'll blink and that'll be like the eye-fucking equivalent of two of us going for a kiss, but we both go in the wrong direction and then change and go in the wrong direction again?
11. Is one of us going to say something with our mouths at any point? Or is it just this whole "staring intensely in a way that is making me more confused than turned on" thing? I suppose time will tell.
12. If we dated, I'd have to introduce him as The Guy I Eye-Fucked Who I Then Later Went to Sushi With. "Well, Sheila, I just knew. I did. The first time he laid eyes on me and then also laid me with his eyes. I just knew."
13. OK, someone has to say something. Right? I mean, it's not going to be me. He started this whole eye-fucking business so clearly he has more experience than I do. I'd probably just start talking about cheese and how I'm allergic, and then he'll be like "How can you be allergic to dairy? That must be awful," and then I'll be like, "Eh, it's not that bad." I don't want to say or hear any of that.
14. That was fun. Going home to watch Fifty Shades Of Grey now. Or maybe Twilight. The whole movie was basically one big staring contest.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.