1. Hell yeah, we're having sex, so life pretty much can't get any better for me right now. Do you have split personalities named Michael Sheen and Lizzy Caplan? Because you're the Masters of Sex. Well, just one Master. Master of Sex. I'm going to make her orgasm because I'm the man. Man Master. No, wait …
2. All right. I'm going to start off slow like a Boyz II Men song. It's like a magic show and my wand is my penis. I don't want to start off with a bang and fizzle out. Let's do some "card tricks" here, and by "card tricks," I mean nice, slow, deep thrusts. Great, now I'm having sex and thinking about David Copperfield.
3. She seems super into it but I think I need to pull out all the stops. I guess I don't really have stops to pull out other than "go faster."
4. Oh, god. I'm cramping up. I thought I was in pretty good shape, but now my butt is about to lock up.
5. I need to switch positions so I can have a few seconds to stretch out. Just make it seem sexy, like, "Let's go doggy style, baby." Inside my head though, I'm screaming in pain as I stretch my legs out as much as I can.
6. OK, I DIDN'T MEAN TO STOP DOING THAT, I'M SORRY. You were making a weird face. I didn't realize that meant, "This feels so good." I thought it just meant, "That feels weird."
7. If I keep up this pace I will pass out. Don't start sprinting toward that finish until you're at the orgasm event horizon, the point of no return.
8. I wish there were some kind of visual cue so I'd know when she's close. Like, if women started turning redder the closer to orgasm they got or something. Or you could just tell me?
9. This seems to be working. It's also the most uncomfortable position I could possibly be in. I'm supporting all of my body weight with my fingers and toes and just kind of hovering over her. All of my muscles are burning.
10. Thank god, I think she's close. I need to leave it all on the field here and push her over the edge. No fear, no regrets, no surrender. OK, that's too intense. I'm not storming a pirate ship. I wonder if pirate fights are better than sex ...
11. Every part of my body is crying out in anguish, but I know that if I stop now we'll just have to start all over again. Don't turn back.
12. She's orgasming! This is giving me the inspiration I need to finish strong. Just a few more seconds. This is a beautiful gift.
13. I'm the man. The breathless, sweaty, physically exhausted man.
14. I still need to orgasm and I just…I don't have the strength. Good night for 12 hours.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.