1. Why the hell can't I come in missionary position? This is the position that everyone on TV seems to freaking love so why am I doing it like, "Nothing … still nothing … nope. I am bored."
2. Why are some guys so weird about cunnilingus? Am I just dating jerks who make me feel weird about my body because they're not worth my time and I should move on to guys who love going down on me? (Spoiler: yes.)
3. Is sex actually better without a condom or is he being a dick? I wish I had a penis and could have sex with myself so I could look into this further. Or, you know, just ask him, I guess. But I still think mine would also be a cool plan.
4. Are we seriously supposed to pay attention to his nuts? I'm totally down with touching balls for days, but I just don't want to focus on that and he's like, "Why is she wasting her time in the waiting room area of my genitals?"
5. How do you play with balls without accidentally making him scream in agony? I'm kneading them like bread, is that a thing? Or is it more of a "pulling them like taffy" situation?
6. How does standing-up sex look hot in movies but feel like a calculus equation in real life? I feel like I'm humping a wall.
7. Ditto with shower sex, which, honestly WTF? Great, now I'm still basically humping a human wall, but now it's wet with water, which is *not lube* and I'm probably going to die this way.
8. Am I masturbating as often as a creepy weirdo or a 16-year-old nun? Because four times a day seems like the right amount to me…unless everyone else is masturbating once a week, in which case I'll try to cool it?
9. How are you supposed to have sex without the bed squeaking with every thrust or is that just a myth that I wish were possible? Do I need to get a Tempur-Pedic bed? Is this their primary benefit?
10. How the hell do you attempt to 69 without it feeling like you're planning the invasion of a foreign country? It's definitely a position that seems like it could be cool, but also seems like it requires flowcharts. I can hear the erection fading away already.
11. Is everyone but me really doing anal? If so, does that mean it should sound great to me even though I can't imagine sticking so much as a pack of gum up there?
12. Am I supposed to like receiving oral? Because I still feel kind of weird about it and I hate that I feel weird about it because that's ridiculous and also it's probably because my partners have been bad. Yes, I am right about this.
13. Is it weird to leave my bra on? I know I could take it off but in the heat of the moment, it just seems like it takes up too much time and sometimes I want its trusty support during vigorous sex things.
14. Is it cool to ask for stuff he might not think to do? If I ask to be spanked, is he going to look at me like I'm a total weirdo freak show or will he be like, "Yeah, I'd love to!" and then I'll be like, "Yessss"?
15. How am I supposed to relax during oral? My legs are naturally forming a drawbridge that is barely open and I'm focusing so hard on relaxing that I might have a heart attack. This cannot be right.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.