1. Please tell me you're getting on top.
I really can't handle pumping away anymore. My butt muscles are so tight that I don't think I'll ever be able to poop again.
2. Don't break my penis.
You've pretty much got complete control here. Don't roll off the bed or slam down on it or something. Please.
3. Is there any way, not to inconvenience you or anything, that you can go faster?
No, faster. Faster. You know what, I'm just going to grab you and do it myself.
4. Don't cover your boobs; it's like covering the Mona Lisa.
Why are you covering your boobs? The best part of this is your boobs bouncing up and down. Please don't take that away from me.
5. We really need to figure this rhythm out. No... don't go up when I go down.
Just try and match me. Or, I'll match you. OK, now we're both trying to match each other. This isn't working. I'll just let you figure this one out.
6. Should I just lie here?
Would that be better? I don't want to come off as lazy. I just want to come. OK, I'm sorry... no more puns during sex.
7. What is this stirring motion you're doing?
Does that feel good? I don't...you're just kind of moving around my penis. I don't understand.
8. What I like about this is I have easy access to your boobs/butt/everything at the same time.
In other positions, I have to really stretch or constrict to get all up in there. But when you're on top, it's all within arm's reach.
9. My penis popped out.
Whose job is it to pop it back in? Is there official etiquette on that? Salad fork goes on the outside, don't wear white after Labor Day, and the woman always puts the penis back in.
10. That's so hot when you put your hands on my chest for leverage.
Nononono that's too hard. I can't breathe.
11. I just got lost in a hair jungle.
It's in my mouth. It's like I'm having sex with Cousin It, which I'm weirdly into.
12. You look really, really good from this angle.
Every picture should be taken from this angle. Our high school yearbook photos would've been so much better. And creepier, I guess.
13. Can we do that thing where we switch positions, but we spin around real fast?
This takes a ton of coordination, so I want to make sure we're both on the same page here.
14. It's my time to shine!
I'm back on top. Let's do this.
15. ...And I came.
Game over, I guess.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.