1. Let's do this! I have been wanting to have sex with you foreeeeever (aka over the last 45 minutes at the bar or weeks or months, depending, but still!)
2. Wow, there is a previously unseen level of sexual tension between us. This The Notebook-level heat is going to lead to some serious fucking. I see that now. Cool!
3. I wonder if he's nervous about this because I kind of am. First-time sex is almost never good. Even if you super love the person, it can still be fumbling and awkward because neither of you knows what the other person likes. So even if it's really good, you're still in your head the whole time.
4. I feel like he's stalling. Don't get me wrong, this foreplay is A+ but it also seems like he wants to just start having sex but he's not sure if I want to, so I guess I should let him know that I want to.
5. Sorry, all I can think about is five minutes from now when we'll actually be having sex. Oh, yeah, that's gonna be cool. No, no, I'm totally in the moment now. Let's go.
6. Now comes that awkward part when one of us has to bring up whether or not we brought condoms. I pray he has them because I don't carry one with me and if he doesn't have one, then I don't get to have sex and I would really prefer to have sex. Oh, thank god, he has one.
7. Waiting for him to put on this condom feels like hours are passing before me and seasons have changed. I'm not sure who's more nervous: the man frantically trying to put a piece of rubber on his penis or me trying not to pay attention to how slowly time is passing.
8. Great! Now all he has to do is fumble around until his penis is actually in my vag. Damn you, movies, for making this look quick and easy every time when it is nooooot.
9. Please don't pop out, please don't pop out. Every time I first start having sex with a guy, this is all I can think because then it's awkward for both of us and I have to say it's OK and then you have to try to put it back and that makes you super nervous and we're both taken out of the moment, so please just set up camp in my vag as best you can, OK?
10. Man, sex rules! Look, there really is a point where everything is working really well and you're like, "Oh, that's right. This feels awesome and is the best." This is that point.
11. Nope, we're on different rhythms now. And honestly bro, my rhythm needs to win because you don't really require a rhythm in order to come. Concede.
12. What is he thinking about? My brain has thought about pizza bagels, Jared Leto in the '90s, and how I want to change my nail polish color, so it's anyone's guess.
13. Pleeeease don't come, I'm not close yet. I will be soon, I swear. Just don't change anything.
14. I'm really close to coming, thank god! OUR SEX WORKED!!!
15. This wasn't half bad for our first time. I'm so proud of us. Is it too soon to high-five? Oh, you're asleep. OK. I will go to sleep too.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.