Unless we're hopping into the shower for some fun (and even then, shower sex might be a bit overrated), showering with a partner winds up being 10 seconds of admiring her naked...and 10 minutes of awkwardly maneuvering around her in the shower. Showering together is always fun, but logistically, it's like going into a phone booth with your partner and taking off all your clothes: It's just not practical.
1. So you mean I get to shower and look at my partner naked? Showering is boring, but showering with my naked girlfriend is going to make this go by a lot faster. Unless we have sex. In which case we're going to take an extra minute...or an extra minute and 30 seconds, if you know what I mean.
2. Yes, I understand that in this instance, we are only showering together because we're late and this makes sense from a time-saving perspective. No, I do not need to sign a legal contract beforehand stating that I will not have sex with you.
3. Oh, you're already massaging your scalp with what looks to be an entire shampoo bottle. I guess that's a no on the sex then, unless you're really into getting blinded by suds during intercourse.
4. Why do you have nine different shampoos? And why do they all come in bottles that look like they were designed for fairy folk? They are so tiny. How are these not considered travel-size?
5. WHY ARE YOU SCRAPING OFF THE TOP LAYER OF YOUR SKIN? What is that? Are you using a rock on your body? I just...can I just get to my bar of soap?
6. No, I'm not trying to instigate anything right now. I'm not trying to rub against you, it's just that we're in a tiny shower.
7. I just need to kind of squeeze over here...Oh, dammit. Now I'm pressed up against the cold tile and it's like I'm rubbing myself against a giant fish.
8. Oh, wait. I just realized I have someone to wash that weird spot I can't get to. She can totally wash my back, and I can finally feel like I've cleaned my whole body without having to dislocate my shoulder.
9. She's lathering forever. How does she even get that much lather on her body? This is incredible.
10. I'm freezing. When is it going to be my turn to hop in the shower?
11. WHY IS THE WATER SO COLD? I'm turning it up. No, this isn't "literally burning hot" because I'm standing under it and I don't even have third-degree burns.
12. I still don't understand why I'm naked and you're naked...and nothing cool is happening. If you told 14-year-old me, "One day, you're going to shower with a naked lady and not touch her boobs because the only reason you're showering together is you're late for a wedding," 14-year-old me would be like, "Yeah, right," and then he'd leave to go masturbate because that's all I did at 14.
13. Great. I went from standing outside the water to having to stand so close to the showerhead that all the water is pouring into my eyes. This is the worst of both worlds.
14. These scents are so strong. Am I going to smell like a girl now? WHAT IF SOMEONE SMELLS ME WHILE I'M GROCERY SHOPPING LATER AND MAKES FUN OF ME?
15. This loofah is life-changing. Is there some way I can get one of these without anyone seeing I'm buying it? Can I purchase it anonymously online? Can I meet you in a parking lot and you can hand off a loofah?
16. WHY DO YOU HAVE NINE TOWELS? I only have one, but it's a giant beach towel that I use as a shower towel. It's economical.
17. OK, enjoy doing whatever takes you three hours in the bathroom. I'm going to go barely towel off and throw clothes on over my still-wet body.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.