1. Wait, what?
2. Oh haha, I thought you said "anal." Oh you did?
3. *AIR RAID SIREN.*
4. BACK UP.
Mind your business that's all. Just mind your business. Wait, I think that's from an old episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air. You know what? It applies. The Fresh Prince was a wise man.
5. Actually, I kind of liked it when you tried a finger in there once.
6. On the other hand, I've seen you parallel park.
Can I even trust your spatial reasoning? Think of my rectum as a Porsche…I don't know whatever the fanciest Porsche is; I'm not a car person.
7. You know what, why not?
I am a grown and mature woman who can enjoy anal pleasures like a dignified adult.
8. No, no. More lube than that.
Go to the lube store right now. Ask them for all the lube. When they give you their largest bottle tell them, "No, I'm sorry you misheard me. I said ALL THE LUBE."
9. Now there's lube on my sheets.
Unless this is going to take a surprising turn we probably don't need any more lube on my ankle, my neck, or my area rug, either. Does everyone who has anal sex buy new sheets every time? Yes?
10. OK, I'm ready. I'm a goddamn sexual champion.
11. Careful. Caaaaareful.
12. Am I about to poop?
I feel like I'm pooping but there's no poop to prove it.
13. OK, yes, this is getting much better.
Takes a little getting used to! Kind of like driving on the other side of the road when you're in the UK. Oh wait, pooping or not pooping? Still not, whew.
14. Why have I never watched Skins?
I feel like that would've cleared up a lot of questions for me.
15. What is it supposed to feel like?
It's fun! And it feels...good I guess?
16. That was actually a pretty good time.
Not a "five-nights-a-week" good time. I'll probably go on hiatus for a while. Ask me again in a few years. Consider me the Downton Abbey of butt sex.
17. OK your turn now! No?
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.