1. "I've got six months, no worries."
I don't have to have a present ready for months. I'll worry about it then. Plenty of time to not think about it for another five months.
2. "Wait, was that a hint?"
Was he talking about Bose headphones and the Adidas shoes yesterday because he wants them or he just thinks they look cool? I need to figure out his innermost desires by how emphatically he says, "Cool," when he casually observes something.
3. "Are you kidding me? This costs more than half my salary!"
I should not have waited so long to look up the price. Back to square one.
4. "Oh man, I nailed it!"
I am Gift Queen. Everything the light touches is mine.
5. "Maybe I should get him an emotionally profound gift, like something homemade."
I've been scrolling through Pinterest for hours and I don't have the skill or know-how to make any of this stuff.
6. "Maybe there's something on like an Instagram shop or something."
You know he loves Game of Thrones, so maybe there's a mug with that on it and then also a cape?
7. "I guess I could ask his friend."
But not his best friend, because I know he'll rat me out. I need someone on the inside who isn't loyal enough to him to blow my cover. Why am I thinking like this? Who am I?
8. "Shit, he already bought the headphones."
It seemed like the best present ever and it turns out it was. Because he bought it for himself before you could.
9. "Maybe I should just suck it up and buy this trip to Hong Kong."
I'll have to live off nothing but water and crackers for the year and a half, but at least I won't have to live with this terrifying present-buying anxiety.
10. "Am I spending too much?"
Can I put a price tag on love?
11. "Am I not spending enough? What if it's obvious that it wasn't expensive even if it's heartfelt? Will he look it up online later? If I get it on sale, is that a betrayal of trust?"
12. "What if we break up before I give him these shoes?"
At least I bought them within 30 days so I can always return them.
13. "What if he hates it and dumps me?"
So much hinges on this gift now. Maybe I should buy eight gifts and increase my odds.
14. "What if I get him an inside joke gift and he doesn't get it or remember it, and then I have to explain the joke?"
What if he thinks I just copped out by getting him a joke gift?
15. "What if he had something in mind and I don't get it/fuck up?"
That means I don't know who he is or what his innermost desires are. Why would you ever commit to someone who doesn't know how badly you wanted a Playstation?
16. "Fuck it, I'm just going to run out and get the shoes."
It's the night before you were supposed to get him a gift, so you just pick the first thing that pops into your head. And wait, he looks happy. How can that be? He must be lying and pretending he likes it because there's no way he thinks you put any thought into this.
17. "Can he tell I got it last-minute?"
Is he lying? Is he just being nice? I can't tell, and this will haunt my dreams like an ambiguous ghost forever.
18. "I'll just remind him eight times that I kept the receipt so we can always bring it back."
You know, in case he wants to crush my dreams and exchange this for a Playstation.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.