1. Selfies. Do you have no friends to take pictures of you or with you? Should I be concerned that your go-to pose will be pouting like a teenage girl? Will I have to stand and wait while you select filters? Boner-killer.
2. Pictures with babies. If you do it, please explain who the child is so that we can avoid any awkward discussion over WTF your situation is. There's nothing wrong with being a single dad, but using a baby to pull is confusing. Just be careful that your wording doesn't sound creepy...
3. Pictures with hot girls. Is this supposed to make us feel like we'd be lucky to have you? Some kind of suggestion as to the calibre of women that go for you? If you're trying to suggest you are the Leonardo DiCaprio of the midlands, the fact you're on Tinder gives you away.
4. Pictures with girls, period. Are they your girlfriend? Your sister? Your wife? WE HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING.
5. Pictures at weddings. If you're in a suit and either a) Giving a speech or b) Posing with the bride, please clarify that you are not in fact married.
6. Pictures with celebrities. We don't think you're part of David Beckham's inner circle. We think you're the sort of man who stalks David Beckham and asks him for a cringe photo he doesn't want to be in, hoping David Beckham's good looks will help you pull. It won't. You are not David Beckham.
7. Messaging us just saying "hi." Unless you want the conversation to move slower than the rate that paint dries, come up with some sort of actual conversation.
8. Group pictures. WHICH ONE ARE YOU? Or are you some sort of cult of men who live on a beach in Australia, looking for a bride to share? Trust us, it is just the way of the world that we probably fancy your friend more. The likelihood is we'll decide to cut the drama out of having to tell you this and just swipe left.
9. Quotes and riddles. We had college exams that were more enjoyable than trying to guess your cryptic clues. And what if we know the quote? Do we win a prize? Yay us. We have also seen about 5 other profiles with the same Batman quote today.
10. Pictures of you doing activities. Contrary to probably all other advice you will ever read, we don't want to see a picture of you skiing with a massive ski mask on, taking a photograph with a camera that covers your face or scuba diving in a snorkel. Yes, these are great talking points but limit yourself to 1 or 2 MAXIMUM and avoid ones that obscure your face. That's what we want to see.
11. Multiple haircuts and beards. Which one is it? How old are these pictures? Do you have a weird chin? Who will we be going on a date with?
12. Sunglasses. In every picture. Eyes are important. Do you have them? Who knows.
13. Pictures of you on a yacht or stood next to a sports car. If they're yours, do you really want a girl who's after your money? If they're not yours:
14. Illustrations or artwork of you. This is not the same as a picture. File this under the "pictures of you doing activities" rule.
15. Not talking to us. So we matched. And then what? TALK TO US OR DELETE US.
16. Including your Snapchat. Or for that matter any social media handles. Just… who does that? It's the equivalent of bringing a photo album on a first date back in old times (you know, when humans went and did actual face-to-face activities together).
17. Only having one picture. Is there literally only one picture of you that you are willing to show people? Am I being Catfished?
18. Pictures of you driving. IT'S ILLEGAL TO SELFIE & DRIVE YOU DOUCHE.
19. Instructions about who you want. Even if a girl exactly fits the bill of "If you're a hot girl, looking for a partner in crime to binge-watch Game Of Thrones, drink beer and always up for some fun, swipe right!" we will categorically not want to swipe right. Any instructions as to who should or shouldn't swipe right just come across as arrogant.
20. Telling us to make the first move. Even if it's something subtle like, "Swipe right and say hi." We'll make the first move if we want to—telling us to do it just makes you look lazy.
21. Moments. Just… what? Especially if it's of you doing an activity on your own like celebrate your birthday, build a chair, posing topless by the pool… don't even get us started on dick pics.
22. Telling us "If you don't look like your pictures, you're buying the drinks until you do." LUCKY US! We get to go on a date with someone who doesn't find us attractive and wants us to buy all the drinks. Winner.
23. NOT ASKING US OUT. Why are you even on here?
IN SUMMARY: We're not asking for a picture of you simultaneously holding a puppy, rescuing a baby from a burning house and cooking a cheesecake. Honest. Just six photos, ideally comprising of four decent head shots, one talking point and one full body.
Then if you could just try to say something/anything about yourself in the bio that you wouldn't be ashamed to say to an actual human in real life—(Would you walk up to a woman and say, "You're ugly, but if you buy me drinks and get me hammered I might make out with you?")—that would be ace.
And hey, if we match, maybe say something. Other than "Hi," "Hey," "Whatsup?" and "Nice tits."
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.co.uk. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.