Going…going…gone. Sometimes it seems like just as your man’s sliding into home, your orgasm’s fouling out. But rather than chalk it up to bad luck, it may simply be time to switch up your gratification-getting MO. “Without meaning to, women often wind up getting in the way of their own sexual satisfaction,” says sexologist Carole Altman, PhD, author of You Can Be Your Own Sex Therapist. “You have to own your orgasm--you can’t just rely on a man to get the job done.” The first step: fixing the following carnal errors.
Sex Boo-Boo #1: Racing Through Foreplay
Here’s the scenario: Your guy is eager to get to the main event. Problem is, you’re not exactly ready and you’re afraid that if you ask for a little more pre-game action, he might think you’re too high-maintenance in bed or just get frustrated. Plus, like a lot of women, you may feel self-conscious about just lying there and receiving pleasure. But don’t rush through the warm-up.
“Most women need about 20 minutes of arousal time to reach the ‘orgasmic platform,’ when the clitoris is most sensitive and the body is primed for stimulation,” says sexologist Yvonne K. Fulbright, author of the Hot Guide to Safer Sex. “Skipping the whole sexual-response cycle makes it harder to get off.” We know that 20 minutes may sound like a long time, but trust us, the good guys don’t mind.
In fact, it’s a turn-on. “It was really hard for me to orgasm, so I’d tell my boyfriend, ‘It’s okay, don’t worry about it’ when it didn’t happen,” says Melissa, 29. One night, he told me to lie back and just let him do his thing to me. I eventually orgasmed, and he clearly loved every minute he spent getting me off.” A bonus of peaking pre-intercourse: “Having an orgasm during foreplay increases a woman’s chances of climaxing during intercourse,” says Altman.
Sex Boo-Boo #2: Tuning Out
We all know it’s easy to get distracted during sex. Everything from “Is my bilbil jiggling?” to “Wow, he should have that mole on his chest checked out” can make you lose frisky focus. And once that happens, your orgasm is down for the count. “Your brain is a vital part of the sexual experience, registering sensations and releasing feel-good chemicals to the body,” says Georgia sexologist Gloria G. Brame, PhD. “Any mental distraction can spark conflicting, nonsexual impulses in the brain and lessen your pleasure.”
What if you find yourself making a mental grocery list mid-act? First, reengage your body. “Focus on how he feels inside you and how your body is responding,” says Brame. “Also touch yourself or even switch positions to physically bring yourself back to the sex.”
Another tune-in trick: breathing slowly and deeply from the pit of your belly. “Yogic breath will not only keep you centered, it will also make the sex better,” Fulbright points out. “Circular breathing, where you try to sync up your inhalations with your partner’s, can put the focus back on the body and help you reconnect with each other.”
Sex Boo-Boo #3: Ignoring Your C-Spot
Although the G-spot gets a lot of press for being your erotic epicenter, it’s the clitoris that packs the most pleasurable punch for you during sex. “There are more nerve endings in the C-spot than there are inside the vagina,” says Fulbright. “So it’s rare for women to have an orgasm without some sort of clitoral stimulation.”
To stimulate your C-spot during intercourse, climb into girl-on-top position, arch your body toward him, and grind your pleasure point against his pelvis. If you’re in missionary, make sure to keep your legs pressed tightly together while moving your hips in a circular motion, suggests Altman. “As he is moving in and out at this angle, it will stimulate the clitoris,” she says. “It can also create friction between your vaginal lips and your clitoris, which can enhance sensation.” Fulbright also suggests asking for—or initiating—manual stimulation when you’re in doggie-style or girl-on-top position.
Sex Boo-Boo #4: Forgetting To Pee
In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to overlook the little things like, say, your bladder. But when your man stimulates your G-spot during sex, it can suddenly make you feel like you have to pee. “The G-spot is surrounded by the Skene’s glands, which are connected to the bladder,” Altman explains. “So anytime there is contact with your G-spot, you are going to feel like you have to urinate, even if you don’t.” The result? You clench up and don’t let go and climax. Plus, according to certain experts, some women may release ejaculatory fluid and mistake it for pee, so when it starts to come on, they cut off the flow and basically flatline their orgasm.
Fortunately, there’s a simple solution: Use the bathroom just prior to sex. “Since you know you don’t have to pee, when you’re on the verge of orgasm, you’ll be able to go with the sensations and let loose,” says Brame. Not to mention the fact that peeing first can greatly decrease your risk of a UTI.
Sex Boo-Boo #5: Changing Positions Too Often
Erotic acrobatics are always a fun way to keep your sex life exciting, but testing out all those pretzel-like positions in one sitting actually makes it harder to orgasm. “The key to satisfaction is steady stimulation in a position that hits your pleasure points,” Brame points out. “You need to develop a rhythm, and once you feel yourself building toward climax, the sensation must be consistent or you’ll lose momentum.”
If for some reason you get sidetracked and have to start from square one, don’t panic. Just get yourselves back into that orgasm-inducing position and go for a randy round two.