"I’m not feeling too well."
Used for: Getting out of GNO, because he doesn't want to babysit your friends. LOL.
What it really means: I’m going to stay in and play videogames the whole night. Yasssssssssss!
Although feigning sickness might seem like the methods of a stubborn elementary student, don’t put it past your boyfriend to pull a fast one on you to avoid social gatherings. Other permutations of this sneaky excuse are: the body ache, a bad migraine, and/or nasusuka.
"But I need to go to church."
Used for: Skipping Sunday brunch with the fambam
What it really means: I want to keep the Sabbath Day holy…my way!
Yes, all of a sudden he’s devout when he has to sit across your doting mother so early on weekend morning.
"I’ll do it later. Promise."
Used for: Avoiding chores that he really, really, REALLY hates doing
What it really means: I’m hoping that if I put it off long enough, you’ll do it yourself.
His ass is lazy when it comes to household duties—this you already know. But once you hear this phrase uttered under his breath as he stares at the television set ogling the NBA finals, be sure to prod him 'til he drags himself off the couch. LeBron can wait. The garbage can’t.
"My phone battery died!"
Used for: Dissing you incessant text messages
What it really means: I don’t feel like replying to you right now.
Seriously? In this day and age of plugging your phone into the sockets of any establishment you patronize and with the advent of powerbanks, there’s no more reason your smartphone shouldn’t be juiced.
"I’m sorry, my jaw is a bit tired today."
Used for: Escaping the task of having to go down on you during sex
What it really means: I’m a lazy/selfish weirdo.
You know it wouldn’t be asking for much to have him perform a little bit of tongue action pre-penetration. Don’t let him get away with it. You—just like every BJ-generous woman on the planet—deserve the best oral!
"The traffic was horrible!"
Used for: Explaining tardiness during dates
What it really means: I was too busy doing something else to allot the proper amount of time to get ready for our planned night out.
Okay, so traffic is horrible. ALL. THE. TIME. But he should already be aware of the carmageddon our country is capable of and give himself some lead time so he doesn’t upset you. Remember, people who don’t respect your time probably don’t respect you as much as they should be.