You may feel differently, but, with a hat tip to supreme beings who tell no lies, this is God's own honest truth: We guys never mean to piss you off. The time we promised to pick you up but managed to be three hours late? Killer traffic. Or the time we let off a snarky remark about your mother when you told us we had to attend one of your family things? Freudian slip. Or telepathic alien possession. Basta! It's not our fault.
In the same way, we know you don't mean to piss us off. It just happens sometimes. In the interest of Zen-like harmony, we struggle mightily not to show it, and learn to smile through gritted teeth. For educational value, here's how you get under our skin. Don't worry: We do these things too.
1. When you expect guys to reply right away.
We love it when you text, but we're settling into the latest episode of Flash, and while we'd love to hear about the urinary exploits of your incontinent dog, could a decent reply possibly wait an hour or so as we digest the latest happenings?
2. When you want to know what we're doing. Every second.
We're with our friends. Watching the NBA finals. A game is four quarters long, 12 minutes to a quarter, with an extra half-hour or so for halftime and time-outs. So if you WhatsApp us the same question five minutes later, there's a bit chance that (surprise, surprise) we're still watching the NBA finals! No, we're not checking other girls out.
3. When you use us as a punching bag.
Our six-pack abs and glorious pecs may make us a strong and hardy bunch, but that doesn't mean you should take your bad days out on us. (No, we don't really have abs or pecs. Let's just run with it.) Venting out your frustration is one thing; taking your bad mood out on the easiest available target is another. Our sculpted handsomeness can only take so much. (Yes, also quite a stretch. Forgive us.)
4. When you hog the media consumption.
Really? The Fault in Our Stars instead of 22 Jump Street? Are you freakin' kidding me? You're not serious. Wait. You are. Now to resign ourselves to muching glumly on our popcorn as you blubber over Gus and Hazel's impending doom, when we could be watching homoerotic Channing Tatum awesomeness. Maybe next time, we'll get to pick the movie? Oh, sorry, it's rude to talk while assorted movie people are dying onscreen.
5. When you say "It's okay" but it's the opposite.
Variations of this tricky line include "I'm fine" or "It's nothing." In Bizarro World, where it's fun to take buses in EDSA, these lines mean exactly what they say. But here on Earth, they can have inexplicable layers of meaning, from the face-value, surface definitions, to the connotative and contextual symbolisms, all the way down to the deep-rooted thematic foundations. For us, this is hopeless to decipher. In Bizarro World, where everyone is an expert in lit crit, maybe we'd have had a chance. Here on Earth, we can't even be experts in clit.
6. When you're "not in the mood."
Or "too tired." Aw, man. Awwww, maaaaan! Just when we got the bow-wow-chick-a-wow-wow soundtrack all lined up. When you say this, not even the best back rub can get you into it. Oh well. We respect that. We'll just pack up the vinyl then head straight to the shower.
This story originally appeared in Cosmopolitan magazine, June 2014.
* Minor edits have been made by Cosmo.ph editors