1. Fishnet stockings. Apparently, he’s still living in the 1920s!
2. G-string panties. These wedgie harbingers are a man’s best friend. For women: anal floss.
3. Ramming hard like a porn star. Forgive him. He sincerely thinks it will help build up momentum for you to climax. It could, but he doesn’t realize that too much of it could hurt.
4. Carrying you from under your knees during sex. Next time, ask him to try and spread his legs while fighting the force of gravity! He might be doing the heavy lifting, but you’re the one enduring the painful sensation of feeling like a rag doll torn in half.
5. Sex on the beach. Sand up your butt cracks, rogue crabs possibly snipping at our privates, and pesky tourists using your romp as a private show are just some of the things he doesn’t take into consideration.
6. Licking your ear. Things would be perfect, if only he didn’t involve that much saliva.
7. Manhandling your breasts. Fondling is one thing, squeezing/groping/pressing them like newly purchased cantaloupes is another.
8. Sucking on your nipples like a newborn baby on a mission. Old habits die hard.
9. Giving you a facial. Not the kind you’re used to ifyaknowwhatimean.