As "femme" (a lesbian whose appearance and behaviour are seen as traditionally "feminine") women, we're both blonde, around the same height, and love to wear pink lipstick. We're also wife and wife.
Being in a femme lesbian relationship certainly has its perks. We share makeup and clothes (what's yours truly is mine), and enjoy going through life as BFFs. However, when you're a femme LGBTQ+ woman, dating isn't always easy—and if you're out and about with your partner, there is so much nonsense and stereotyping you have to deal with…
"But you don't look gay!"
Also known as, "but you're too pretty to be gay!" This is truly such a strange comment to make to someone, how can their looks equal their sexual orientation?! Just because I wear lipstick, it doesn't make me automatically straight.
It's the assumption of heterosexuality. We’re often assumed to be straight by both the LGBTQ+ and straight community, and we slip under the radar due to femme invisibility. It can get really awkward when someone doesn't believe you're gay and love the ladies. Why would we make it up?!
"You just haven't met the right man yet."
Of course you’ll hear this from the man who just wasted five minutes of his life chatting a lesbian up. The best way to shut them up is to tell them that THEY haven't met the right man yet, and how do they know until they've given it a go?!
"Can we have a threesome?"
Alternatively, when you inform a straight man that you're in fact a lesbian, their face may light up as they think they’ve just hit the jackpot. No, no you have not Sir. Move away!
"Is she gay, or just an ally?"
As much as we get overlooked due to femme invisibility, we're also staring at the other feminine girl in the lesbian bar wondering if she's a lady lover (or just a straight ally). I guess we'll never find out because we'll each be waiting for the other to make the first move!
"Do you know what kind of bar this is?"
On a night out, you excitedly turn up to the lesbian bar in hopes of finding your dream woman. But, as you approach the door, the bouncer asks you, "Do you know what kind of bar this is?" YES, BARBARA BECAUSE I'M GAY!
"Are you sisters?"
You proudly walk around holding your girlfriend or wife’s hand, or perhaps you're on a romantic date for Valentines Day, when you get asked the question for the 110th time... "Are you sisters?" YES, because don't you love to take your sister out for a romantic meal and kiss her face! We also have different accents, as we're British and American, but that doesn't stop the question from coming out of their mouths.
In fact, we even got asked, "Are you Swedish sisters?" WHAT? We tend to tell them that we're actually wife and wife. We've even had to show our wedding bands and photos to prove that we are indeed a couple. We once even got asked if we were MOTHER and DAUGHTER in Victoria's Secret.
"Who's the man in the relationship?"
We are both women. There is no man! This is similar to, "Who wears the pants?" People want to see defined gender roles even when there's two women in the relationship. They can't comprehend that you may in fact both do the household chores, or that you naturally fit into your own roles. Whitney's 'job' is to put the bins out because Megan has a disability that affects her left hand, not because she's the 'man' in our relationship.
"How do you have sex?"
This is a personal question that you shouldn't feel you have to answer. We don't know about you, but we've never cared how a stranger has sex! What they do is their business. If they're genuinely curious then you can tell them to Google it, or feel free to tell them if you feel comfortable to do so. Perhaps inform them that lesbians have more orgasms then straight women, and leave it at that!
So, how do you find love?
Dating can be particularly hard when you're a femme lesbian as there are no tell tale signs that you're into women, short from holding a neon flashing sign that says 'I'm gay!" A lot of potential love interests can slip right by. Even when you're in an LGBTQ+ space, other LGBTQ+ women may assume you're straight, or you might be too scared to make the first move.
We had a lot of our followers ask us how they can find love, so we created Find Femmes, a dating site for feminine identified LGBTQ+ women to help solve this problem. We also hold events for singles and couples to attend so they can feel a sense of community. Follow our Instagram to make sure you don't miss out. Either way, we wish you all the best with dating and hope you find your happily ever after, like we did.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com/uk. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.