I've got plenty of things littered around my room worth gathering up by the armful and shoving into the bottom of my closet when I've got people coming over. Everyone does. But most guys own a specific kind of embarrassing, potentially emasculating series of items. Here's everything that gets swept under the rug (definitely figuratively, but possibly literally) every time you come over.
1. Nose-hair trimmer.
Any kind of body grooming device that isn't a razor is pretty embarrassing for most people. It's like everyone wants to pretend they wake up looking like a model mid-photo-shoot, and not that our bodies are terrible, gross cesspools with legs. The only time I could actually claim "I woke up like this" is if I ever stumble outside in nothing but an old pair of boxers and my hair looking like I just rubbed my self against one of those static electricity plasma globes.
There shouldn't be anything inherently embarrassing about tissues, but the second a box is placed near a computer desk or nightstand, it's automatically assumed I'm ejaculating into them. Guess what, idiots? The only thing I jerk off into those tissues is my nose. Also, sometimes my penis. But mostly my nose.
3. Girly body lotion.
It smells like rose petals gently falling on a lagoon at sunset, and it is somehow so much better at healing cracked hands than anything marketed specifically for guys. Also, we use this to masturbate, too.
4. Lip balm.
It doesn't matter that guys get chapped lips. This feels like it's one degree of separation away from lip gloss. Also, we use it to masturbate.
These things work up a hella lather and come in colors like pink and lighter pink.
6. Roughly 10 percent of the songs in our iTunes library.
I WAS DRUNK WHEN I DOWNLOADED 1989, OK? (drunk on the catchy-as-hell beats, youknowwhatimsayin'.)
7. Old letters from exes.
To be fair, this isn't because I'm sentimental, it's because I don't clean.
8. Probably anything we put on our walls.
My choices are pretty much hanging up framed band posters from college or "art" I bought at some indie store and neither of those are things I want to put on my wall. I just don't know what else to hang up and bare walls say "serial killer."
9. Medicated shampoo.
Men are expected to have full, luxurious heads of hair, like Simba in Lion King. Because the ultimate man is a lion voiced by Matthew Broderick. Dandruff shampoo, or shampoo designed to combat balding makes us feel...inadequate.
10. A computer.
BECAUSE WE DEFINITELY USE IT TO MASTURBATE, OK? STOP GLANCING INTO THE CORNER WHERE THE LAPTOP, TISSUES, AND GIRLY HAND LOTION IS YES ALL YOUR SUSPICIONS ARE TRUE.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.