Sexting is a great way to express sexual desires with a partner and can be very fun. Unfortunately, it's super rare that I'm actually doing all the *sexy* things that I say I am. I know you imagine me lying in bed, touching myself to Usher's Confessions, but the truth is, I'm at the mall picking out a new shower rod. No, that is not a euphemism.
Listen, I would love to be in the shower, lathering up my huge knockers and thinking about your meat sword, but today's my only day off and I have shit to do. Yeah, I'm super wet, but that's because I just super sat in spilled water on the train.
To give you a better idea of what's really going on, here are some things I and other women are actually doing when sexting:
The dishes, fully clothed.
I'm even wearing my favorite PJs, the one with the dancing frogs on it.
FaceTiming my mom.
It's her birthday and TBH, I feel a little guilty that I just sang to her mere moments after I told you what I want you to do to my butt.
Babysitting my cousin.
They don't know how to read yet, it's fine.
Helping my sister move.
I dropped a plate and cut my hand when I sent you that photo, which is actually from two years ago and was originally intended for my ex-boyfriend.
Sitting in a clinic waiting room.
But I will continue to make you think I’m playing with my nipples in the bath.
Yeah, fondling your giggle stick sounds great right now, but so does a fried chicken with spaghetti meal.
Cleaning my bathroom.
The fumes are making me a bit dizzy, which is why I said I wanted to "duck your chick."
Trying on chokers at H&M.
Aka as close I'll come to a choking fantasy, sorry!
Lying down for a nap.
It's exhausting pretending to be this horny.
Waking up from a nap.
Sorry for those 22 minutes I went silent, but I looked it up, and blue balls aren't real.
Waiting in line at the LTO.
I do need to sit on your face, but I really need to renew my license before it expires tomorrow.
But to you, I'm "so wet."
(I drink a lot of water ever since Chrissy Teigen said she drinks two gallons a day.)
Consoling my friend after her breakup.
I can't tell if I'm a good friend or a terrible one.
Searching for the perfect apple at the supermarket.
Not too soft, not too firm. And again, no, that is not a euphemism.
Helping my grandma set up a Gmail account.
I don't know who she's planning on emailing, but your weirdly manscaped genitalia can wait.
I needed extra time to find nudes I haven't already sent you.
Getting a pedicure.
I'm feeling super relaxed right now, which is why I agreed to anal. I will most likely change my mind once the nail tech stops massaging my toes.
Running to catch the bus.
That voice memo I sent of me moaning is really a result of me being horribly out of shape.
Curling my hair.
I burned my fingers twice. It was sooo hot.
Watching Game of Thrones.
Despite the show's amount of nudity, no, it's not porn.
Walking my dog.
Pretty sure there was poop on my hands as I opened that picture of you in the shower.
Celebrating my friend's birthday.
When I told you I was "touching my little butthole," I was really barking at the waiter for more Coke.
Shopping for a new TV.
My dad's here too because I know nothing about TVs, and I'm pretty sure he caught a glimpse of your beef thermometer when we were checking out the 43" Toshiba.
Things are getting steamy, and by "things," I mean the vegetables.
Attempting to follow a makeup tutorial.
I need full concentration for this winged liner, so for the next five minutes, please refrain from sending me your balls.
Seeing how many chins I can make.
So far, three and a half.
Well, thinking about working out.
Comparing prices of toilet paper.
That I need for being so wet from constantly peeing because of my UTI.
And sexting my ex.
It's nothing personal. He's just taller.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.