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Guys' Number One Sex Fear

Wanna know what guys are really scared of? Read on to find out.

Cosmo polled hundreds of 18- to 34-year-old men (single and committed) about their biggest bedroom worry, and the top answer was always the same. We explain how this one universal anxiety affects his sack skills...and what you can do to help.

What It Is

It’s official, the worry men are wigged out about most has nothing to do with their size or skills. Their top concern is (drumroll, please...) coming too soon. And it really screws with their heads. You know how when you’re having a bad hair day, you obsess and obsess over that one freaking strand that will not budge and end up losing sight of everything that’s right with your looks that day? Well, that tunnel vision thing—a concept psychologists call narrowization—is pretty much what happens to a guy when he’s having sex.

“Men get really fixated on the fear of finishing too early during sex,” explains Melanie Greenberg, PhD, a cognitive behavioral therapist in California. “Instead of focusing on how awesome it is to be in bed with you, they often zero in on the specific what-if-I-end-too-soon worry, which disconnects them from the overall moment and, ironically, makes them even more likely to lose control.” In other words, it’s a vicious cycle: The things men are most afraid could happen will go down precisely because they’re anxious about it in the first place.

How to Fix it

The key to easing your man’s anxiety and thereby helping him last longer, say experts, is to keep his mind in the moment. If he’s focused on the here-and-now, he’s less likely to get sidetracked by what-ifs. There are three easy ways to accomplish that. First, try gently massaging his back, shoulders, and head during sex. “Sensual, kneading touches send a calming signal to his brain that things are okay, so he’s less likely to worry about what could happen,” explains Barbara Keesling, PhD, author of The Good Girl’s Guide to Bad Girl Sex.

Next, every once in a while, make eye contact with him and hold it just a few seconds. “It’s one of the biggest signs of intimacy, so it reminds him that you two have a strong connection and that you’re in this thing together, right now, which helps keep him in the present,” says Greenberg.

Finally, tell him exactly how his moves make you feel by saying stuff like “When you touch my clitoris like that, it really turns me on.” Greenberg’s explanation: “Drawing attention to physical sensations reminds your man to focus on his actions, not his thoughts.”            

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