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Can We All Stop Pretending To Enjoy 69ing?

Like, the absolute last thing I want to do is accidentally knee you in the face.
PHOTO: SHUTTERSTOCK
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Just to be clear, I do understand the practical intentions here. You get one, I get one, then we proceed to sex sex. But here’s the thing: I never actually get one this way. And tbh, you probably don’t either.

As (mostly) grown adults, we’ve earned the right to truly savor oral sex—so while the “classic” 34 + 35 may have once served a let’s-get-in-as-much-sexy-stuff-as-possible-before-curfew purpose, it makes pretty much zero sense now.

There’s nothing erotic about straddling someone’s mouth while hunched over in a very unrelaxed version of the cat-cow yoga move.

Because, for starters, this position is the definition of uncomfortable, regardless of whether you’re on top or bottom. As someone who has only ever been on top, I can promise there’s nothing erotic about straddling someone’s mouth while hunched over in a very unrelaxed version of the cat-cow yoga move. And as for the person below me? Sorry about your neck strain.

Also, 69ing is essentially multitasking, and when it comes to sex, that’s a counterproductive concept in and of itself. I can’t even put on winged eyeliner while talking to my BFF on the phone, so you can go ahead and assume that whatever attention you’re getting is coming at you half-assed.

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Oh, and how am I supposed to experience goose-bump-y pleasure when all I’m thinking about is if my partner’s cause of death will be Taylor Andrews’ vagina? Because “how to properly sit on your Tinder match’s face” isn’t exactly a part of any sex ed curriculum.

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And despite some, uh, experience, I still have no strategy for gauging how much or how little pressure to apply, all while thoughts like, Shit, can they breathe? cycle through my mind.

Lastly, personally, I prefer orgasms when lying comfortably on my back. And given the fact that my clitoris will seemingly go MIA the moment my leg unexpectedly jerks to the right, I need total consistency. (Listen, when we say “don’t stop,” we literally mean Don’t! Change! A! Thing!) That can’t happen with so much else going on.

So please take this as my plea to end 69 for good. If someone’s mouth game is as good as they claim it is via flirty 3 a.m. Snapchats, I should not be able to remember what day it is, let alone be able to do stuff to their genitalia simultaneously.

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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.