Think you and your partner have really ugly fights? Don’t worry. Even the healthy couples you know once had their share of those, until they learned to tone it down and listen. Here are some ways to tackle LQs better to make peace easier.
1. They talk about things that bother them.
Couples in a healthy relationship communicate openly. They don’t think “You should know what’s bothering me” and keep their partners guessing, because they want the issue to be resolved and to be back enjoying each other’s company again. They’re also not afraid of conflict, since they know it comes about in relationships—that it’s normal. So they face their issues head on, bringing it up with their partner at the right time. And by doing that, they’re able to prevent the same issues from getting bigger.
2. They don’t make quick accusations, and neither do they call each other names.
Healthy couples trust each other more than they trust anybody else. So when an issue arises, they confront their partners first to know the whole story, rather than believing all the information from a third party. Even if they’re furious, they do their best not to lash out because they don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings and cause more damage.
3. They take turns talking and speak calmly to each other.
Yelling will lead you further away from solving the issue. The aggression that comes from yelling could taunt your partner to fight back, or it could simply hurt him; then you’ll have to do some more damage control.
Talking calmly to resolve the problem ensures that both of you are attentive and respectful; it’s also a way to avoid misunderstandings. Healthy couples do this to listen to what the other person has to say, not to listen for what they want to hear.
4. They don’t bring up past arguments.
Those were resolved and have no place in a new argument. Healthy couples learn from old fights—that’s what they carry with them: what they learned about each other and how to avoid the same problem from happening again.
5. They see things from the other person’s point of view.
When fighting, neither of you should say what the other should and shouldn’t be feeling, or that it’s wrong to feel a certain emotion. To grow stronger as a couple, you need to understand each other, to see things in his perspective. By letting him see your point of view and understand you, you guide him in cheering you up and he’ll be comforted and assured too.
6. They find a solution that works for them to avoid fighting over the same thing.
The tricky part for couples who’ve gotten over the fight is satisfying whatever it is they promised they would or wouldn’t do. If their partner lapsed at something petty, should it be a problem? And if it were to be a problem, would it be a big one or a small one? The answer not only depends on the circumstances, but also on how much you and your partner have grown enough to trust that he loves you no matter what. If in doubt, see #1.