Hi, Please Don't Use A Homemade Dildo, Because It's Super Dangerous

You’re not saving any money or convenience when you wind up with an ER bill.
PHOTO: getty images

So the thing about making homemade dildos is...you shouldn’t. Like, really, really shouldn’t. Perhaps you’ve got an itch that needs to be scratched, a hole to fill, what have you—pronto. Listen, I get it. Still, it’s a bad idea that can easily lead to some serious health complications.

If you’re crafty or curious, the temptation to DIY a sex toy yourself might arise, but again, you really shouldn’t, and for reasons we’ll highlight below, it’s dangerous and definitely not worth the risk.

Why are homemade dildos dangerous?

First things first: safety. Obvi, there’s a huge risk when it comes to taking household objects and making them into sex toys.

“There are two ways a person can get hurt by any sexual device,” explains Amir G. Nasseri, MD, a board-certified ob-gyn.

First, there’s the risk of infection from using an object that cannot be sanitized easily, and then there’s the chance of physical injury to the pelvic organs by means of trauma. “The more common complication that my patients have encountered is that of physical trauma, necessitating surgical repair,” Dr. Nasseri adds. You hear that? It’s the sound of you sitting at the ER, practicing how you’re going to explain to the doctor why you have a broomstick up your vagina. Not worth the risk.

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Why would I spend money on a dildo or sex toy when I have shit at home for free?

“The thing about the adult industry is that we work hand in glove with the FDA and consumer groups to self-regulate our materials and ingredients all the time,” explains Tami Rose, owner of Shop Romantic Adventures. If you buy a legit sex toy, the packaging should be super up-front about the materials used (e.g., body-safe silicone, etc.).

“Any place you use a sex toy is very delicate skin that is especially absorbent,” she adds. This is def not the skin you want coming into contact with something that hasn’t been medically tested. Not to mention, “even a slight change in the pH level of a vagina can kick off a yeast infection that is expensive to treat and uncomfortable to deal with,” Rose says.

Bottom line, trying to finagle a homemade dildo out of household objects probs isn’t going to save you any money or convenience in the long run. “It’s great to get crafty and creative, but it’s just like cooking: Your dish will only be as good as your ingredients. Start with a good kit to get a good result,” says Rose.

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Okay, okay, I won’t make one, but just for curiosity’s sake, what would work?

If you must, if you absolutely must, or want to know how just for your own morbid curiosity: “Anything you use for a dildo, whether it is homemade or, as they say, ‘pervertible’—as in something from around the house you use for sexual purposes—must be unbreakable, smooth, nonabsorptive, and made of a nontoxic material,” explains Carol Queen, PhD, resident sexologist at Good Vibrations.

The “unbreakable” part is big. If an item gets broken inside your vagina and cuts you, it can be fatal if you bleed to death, says Alex Miller, sexologist at Orchid Toys

The hypothetical best option would be a plastic or silicone product (although household silicone is not necessarily the same as the medical-grade silicone that sex toys are made from), like the handle of a hammer or toothbrush, says Miller, as both are easy to clean and difficult to break. It would also be a good idea to throw a condom over these for hygiene and ease of cleaning. (This is often also suggested even when you buy a legit sex toy.) BUT these are purely hypothetical and not recommendations—so don’t test ’em out, please.

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As for things to absolutely stay away from: vegetables and other phallic fruit are no-gos, according to Miller, as these can break inside you and cause infection.

Okay, you scared me, but I still don’t want to buy a dildo online because people will know.

They won’t, I promise!

If you’re exploring homemade dildo territory out of fear that ordering one online will come in big letters screaming “THERE’S A DILDO INSIDE!” don’t be. I can personally vouch for this, as I get shipments from both sex-toy manufacturers and sex-toy retail shops sent to my office ALL THE TIME. They’re always discreet brown packages, and the sender usually isn’t even the company, like “Lovehoney” or “OhMiBod,” but another discreet name that either looks like a personal name or is a decoy. I truly never know what I’m going to open, whether it be dog food or a dildo.

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Sex-toy companies are so good about making sure their mailers are discreet, as, duh, they don’t want to turn off their customers by potentially humiliating them in front of their family.

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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.

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