Call me lazy, but sometimes I want to send a scandalous sext without having to get camera ready. Hair? Makeup? Finding the perfect lighting that gives me that sex goddess glow? It's a whole lotta work for some casual video-sexing or Zoom dating.
And that, my friends, is where the humble emoji comes in.
Whether you're looking to inject some flirtiness into your everyday text banter or want to let someone know you’re feeling some type of way without being too explicit, a well-placed emoji is key.
But how does one choose the best emoji? Considering the fact that there are so many options in the keyboard and not all emojis are created equally horny, you have to be selective depending on what you want to say, what your relationship is like, and how thirsty you are.
So for your convenience, we've decided to issue an official ranking of the horniest emoji, from least horny to most.
17. Fire
Back in my younger years, the fire emoji was just that: straight-up fire. You could use it in response to nudes, in response to a bestie's IG, in reference to the weather, doing well at work/school, or even ironically (like if you're absolutely not on fire).
But considering its versatility, it became completely overused to the point that it's now just a lazy space filler. Sure, the person's trying to (rightfully) suggest you're killing it in some way, but with so many other options to choose from, this lacks the heart and creativity professional emoji users have come to expect. Do your relationships a favor and retire your flames.
16. Woozy Face
The "Mouth with Uneven Eyes," as officially called by Unicode Standard, aka the governing body of all things emoji, was released in early 2018. This unofficial "orgasm face" emoji is obviously, obviously horny, but better used in an ironic-horny way. You don't want to punctuate an iMessage sext sesh to indicate your climax, know what I mean? Still, this little guy deserves horny credit where credit is due, placing 16 on our list.
15. Saxophone
What's sexier than the smoothness of jazz? Exactly. The saxophone emoji can be seen as a call to arms for getting it on. The smoother, more sophisticated version of a "u up?" text, if you will. Fire this baby away and your receiving partner will see it as you raising your eyebrows teasingly and making eyes at them, which is exactly how they should read it.
14. Angel face
The overt innocence of the angel-face emoji means it's most effectively deployed to offset a graphically horny sext or otherwise explicit message. It's like the "Who, me?" of emoji. It might seem far from any horny meaning at first, but context is everything, baby! This emoji can turn an already dialed-up sext into an even hotter sext, because self-awareness. Maybe you seem pretty vanilla but you're feeling particularly not-vanilla that day. Pepper in some angel face emoji to show your multitudes.
13. Smirk face
The smirk face, while obviously horny, has to be used sparingly and with caution to work. It's like the emoji equivalent of a wink (but not an actual wink, because that's too on the nose). This is best used similarly to the angle-face emoji in the sense that it's super self-aware. The difference is the smirk is much cockier. Since it has major BDE, it's best to let this emoji stand alone. After sending an extremely hot sext or saying something shockingly flirty, respond to their "omg" with a simple smirk face and they'll be like putty in your thumbs. Just don't use it too much or you'll start to approach asshole status, mmkay?
12. The humble eggplant
The eggplant, once an icon of phallic imagery, is now only slightly horny due to extreme overuse. This little nightshade has peppered so many sexts that it's hard to walk by certain sections of the produce department without blushing. If someone uses an eggplant in a text, the best-case scenario is that they fell asleep clutching their phone and accidentally tapped the eggplant and pressed send.
11. The overripe peach
Peaches only rarely look like butt cheeks in real life, but on the emoji keyboard, every peach is An Ass. A string of peaches is a suitable and good response to a selfie in which someone’s butt looks good, but it's not necessarily a horny response. The peach, with its demure little stem and perky leaves, is too innocent to ooze unbridled horniness.
10. The sweat (or is it?) spray
Horny is an explicit feeling, but sometimes that feeling can be communicated with nuance: hence the sweat droplet emoji. Is it sweat? Is it jizz? Is it female ejaculate? Is it a wet detritus made up of all those things? That's for the receiver of a text containing sweat to decide. And that ambiguity? It's horny.
9. The immature hand motion
We all have this friend—let's call him Troy—who, no matter the situation, is obsessed with making a sexual joke. Troy says things like, "That's what she said," but at the office. Troy is always muttering things under his breath, and when you say, "What was that?" he repeats his inappropriate joke at a higher volume and you immediately regret egging Troy on. This is the horny emoji combination preferred by Troys.
8. The eager tongue guy
Sometimes you can be horny for something that isn't sex, namely a really good-looking piece of food, and that is what this is best for. A string of this emoji is equally appropriate in response to a sizzling plate of fajita meat as it is to a flash-on mirror selfie in a bikini. It's horny because no one would respond this way—tongue out, eyes wide open—in real life when feeling horned up, but over text? It works.
7. The hot face
Turn the heat up on the eager tongue guy and you get yourself the hot face emoji, perfect for expressing heat without leaning into the (now retired, right?) fire emoji. While the tongue out guy is a little more playful, the hot face version is more of a "holy shit, you're so hot, I'm going to worship the ground you walk on" kind of vibe. Use it sparingly for only the hottest of pics and sexts to let your sender know you're feeling the temperature shift of the convo or image.
6. The ride 'em cowboy
There's maybe nothing hornier than someone who has the same reaction to literally everything, and the cowboy is the emoji encapsulation of that vibe. Sending a single cowboy, no context, to someone you regularly hook up with can be fairly interpreted as a nonverbal "I'm horny." Sending this is a heads-up that the next time you two are together, it's on. A cowboy emoji signifies legitimate excitement about the next chance to bone. If this were a real person, they'd fuck every day but, like, never talk about it.
5. The eyes
One of my favorite horny emojis that don't get used nearly enough is the simple, wide eyes. Normally paired with another emoji like the hot face guy or surfer (more on that later), the eyes are pretty straight forward but that's what makes them so great. While other emoji are more up for interpretation, the eyes literally say a nonverbal "I see you." You can almost feel the blush and lip-bite that would accompany these goggling eyes IRL.
4. The sick face (but only used repetitively)
It would be douchey to respond "ha, sick" to a sext, and yet it is not douchey and is, in fact, extremely horny to reply three of these instead, effectively communicating the same thing. This is horny because it is bold. It's a simple way of saying, "I'm into this in ways words can't convey." It's a show of horny respect, a placeholder for verbal validation to come.
3. The smiling devil
The tiny smiling devil is maybe the purest of all the horny emoji. It's impossible (well, not worth the effort) to know the origin behind the creation of the smiling devil, but its modern meaning is something along the lines of: "I haven't gotten laid in many months and my horniness has reached levels you could reasonably describe as evil." This what you send to friends before a night out on which your sole intention is to make out with a consenting stranger. It's a depiction of chaotic horniness, the purest of all horn varietals.
2. The clown
The clown is reserved for a specific horny moment: feeling horny for an ex. The clown, with its wide eyes, inhumanly large smile, and tiny tufts of hair fluff, is brimming with horny-for-the-wrong-person energy. It's horn with reckless abandonment. It's putting your hand into the flames willingly. A clown is a warning sign that you are about to do something stupid, but in the grand scheme, harmless. It says, "What I'm doing is stupid, and I know it, and I do not care." It's enviable and terrifying. It's probably the most-used horny emoji among Scorpios.
1. Surfing person
You know the meme that's like "my parents aren't home" with a blurry photo of someone/-thing rushing away? This emoji is the cartoon representation of that meme. It's a nonchalant way of saying, "I'm on my way [to absolutely rail the shit out of you]." It's a polite way of saying, "Be there soon [to positively get that ass]." It's so innocent that it crosses all the way back into horny territory.
STILL HORNY?
11 Ridiculously Hot Threesome Sex Positions
I Had Sex Like Billie From 'Sex/Life' For One Whole Week
Ok, But These Are Srsly The Best Sex Tips Of All Time
***
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.