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Here's How To Give An Actually-Good-Not-Awkward Lap Dance

Step 1: Blast anything by Beyonce.
PHOTO: SHUTTERSTOCK
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I don't know who needs to hear this, but you don’t have to be an amazing dancer to give someone a lap dance. Seriously. Even if you have zero coordination and can't hold a beat to save your life, lap dances have little to do with "skill" and more to do with confidence. (It's like the saying look good, feel good, do good.)

In other words, there's no right or wrong way to give someone a lap dance, so long as both parties are enjoying themselves.

That said, there are a few things you should know before diving head first into it. And luckily for you, we've tapped experts Jaclinne Cheng, CEO and founder of Spicy Lingerie, and Rori Gordon, owner of gentleman’s club Billy Deans Showtime Café to drop all the tea.

Here's what to do when you literally don’t know what to do. Enjoy!

1. The average lap dance should last at least two songs.

This would equal a total of six or so minutes, but obviously adjust this to your own preferences and add time as you see fit, says Gordon. If two songs seems excruciatingly long to you, remember that it's not. You can watch six to seven TikTok vids in that same amount of time, don’t let your anxiety win this one.

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2. Plan your song playlist ahead of time.

Just like you check your PowerPoint before giving a big presentation, make sure you have your music cued up and ready to go. Depending on what kind of vibe you're going for, picking from this playlist of sex songs may be ideal.

“A lap dance is supposed to be seductive, so choose songs that inspire your sexuality,” says Cheng. Her picks: “Climax” by Usher, “Girl With the One Eye” by Florence and The Machine, and “Naughty Girl” by Beyoncé.

3. Wear the right clothing.

You should put on anything that makes you feel extremely sexy, says Gordon. “I love lingerie, garters and thigh-high stockings with a long sheer gown,” she says. You can also pair your outfit with some slip-on heels since they accentuate the hell out of your body. Just make sure you walk around in the shoes beforehand to get used to them, suggests Gordon. No shoe is worth breaking an ankle over.

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It's also important to layer your clothing, especially if you want the lap dance to lead to sex. This may involve stripping down as you give your partner a lap dance, which is like a super-sexy added bonus.

4. Do a quick lil stretch before.

“It’s important to stretch before you perform to prepare yourself for any extraneous movements,” says Cheng. There's no greater buzzkill than bending over your partner and killing your back in the process.

5. That said, please don't do anything your body can't handle.

If you can't do a somersault, it's probably not worth trying a backbend. Same goes for the splits. But if you are flexible, definitely show it off. Going for a backbend while sitting on your partner’s lap is definitely a crowd pleaser too, says Cheng.

6. Set the mood with dimmed lights and candles.

But don't make it too dark to which your partner can't see you. You might also want to play into a role-play fantasy if it's something you and your partner have discussed beforehand. Dress up as a nurse, devil, teacher, whatever—just make sure your setting resembles the theme at least a little bit too.

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7. Make sure you have mastered some moves beforehand.

No need to plan a full-on dress rehearsal, but you should have an idea of what you want to do, how you want to touch yourself, how you want your partner to touch you, etc. before just going into it blindly. Here are some v common moves you can add to your routine:

  1. Stand between your partner's legs and lean your upper body forward with your back arched and your butt up in the air. This gives your partner a super-hot view of your body. Trust me.
  2. Turn around and hover your butt just above their crotch, moving your butt in circles like you're painting their lap with your cheeks. (Feel free to place your hands on their thighs or the arms of the chair for balance.)
  3. When in doubt, know your hottest seduction tool is your hips. So slowly start swaying your hips from side to side, and then move them in a figure eight to the beat of the music.
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      8. Choose your setting wisely.

      This can be in a bed, on the couch, on a chair, or wherever you’re most comfortable. Just make sure that with whatever setting you choose, you can switch between standing above your partner, sitting, and squatting easily and whenever you want.

      9. Think less about dancing and more about connecting with your partner.

      If you’re not a dancer, taking the pressure off of a lap dance can help. I don’t know any receiver who isn’t going to enjoy the view (the view being you, someone they’re already super into, stripping and undressing right before their eyes). I can promise you, the last thing they’re thinking about is how on-beat you are with the music.

      10. Have fun and be confident.

      “If you’re not having a good time, your partner will be able to tell, and it won't be an enjoyable experience for both of you,” says Cheng. Let loose and don't be afraid to move to the music in whatever way you want to. There's nothing you can do here that would be wrong or incorrect. Remember, so long as everything is consensual, it's literally impossible to fuck up a lap dance.

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      This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.