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Do You Want To Have More *Erotic* Sex? ('Cause Hard Same)

It's about being truly connected to your body and your pleasure.
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Although the words "erotic" and "sex" might seem pretty interchangeable, it's no secret that sex can feel different depending on the situation, what you do, and who you're doing it with. Whether you're after casual sex, romantic sex, or you want to delve into the world of kinky sex, sex doesn't always need to be the sameand it doesn't mean it's always going to feel erotic.

But if you want to have more erotic sex, it's possible, and it's not just something that needs to be confined to a genre of porn. In fact, it's actually more about being totally present and tuned in to the experiencewhich is never a bad thing. Here's how to do it (plus some inspirational erotic sex stories).

What makes erotic sex erotic?

"For me, erotic sex is sex where you are truly connected to your body and your pleasure," explains Dr. Caroline West, a sex educator and host of the Glow West podcast. "It's authentic sex, rather than performative sex." Plus, this doesn't just need to be with a partner, and you can have erotic sex with yourself too through masturbation, Caroline adds.

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So, how do you become more connected to your body? Caroline says this comes from being fully in the moment, and fully present in your body and your pleasure. "Think of it as mindfulness for sex."

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While you might think that this should always be the case during sex, psychosexual and relationship therapist Catriona Boffard says that there are often things that get in the way of us having more erotic sex.

"Unfortunately, for most people their experience of sex often excludes so much of what can deepen our sexual pleasure and satisfaction, such as fantasy and curiosity," Catriona explains. "As a couple, we usually stick to what we know and what we know works, thus often excluding the erotic," she says, but this doesn't mean there isn't space to change things up.

How to have more erotic sex

1. Slow it down.

A lot of peopleand sorry to say, mainly straight/male and female couples who prioritize penetrationhave a tendency to go at 100mph when it comes to sex. And while this isn't good for foreplay, it also isn't helpful if you're trying to make things more erotic.

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"Focus on sensuality, slowing things down, being more curious and exploring each other or yourself more during sex, perhaps in a way that you never had before," Catriona suggests.

"Instead of quickly teasing each other and moving very fast into intercourse, which [you feel under pressure to] end with orgasm, the more you play and the more you are curious about your own or your partner's pleasure, the more erotic your experience will be," she explains.

2. Don't feel pressured to make an orgasm the only goal.

Similarly, Caroline says that taking away the pressure of sex ending in an orgasm will help you to focus on pleasure during the actual experience, rather than just the end goal.

"Erotic sex doesn't have to end in orgasm, so stop focusing on that as a 'goal' for sex as this can have a negative effect of allowing pleasure to flow," she explains.

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3. Talk to your partner.

Talking to your partner about what feels good for both of you during sex means you'll be able to find ways of making the experience more erotic for each other.

First, Caroline suggests thinking about your needs yourself. "Think about your pleasure. What do you want from sex? How do you define sex? What helps you be present for sex?" she explains.

Then, bring this to a conversation with your partner. "Is your partner someone that is open to listening and talking openly about sex and pleasure?" she asks. "If they aren't interested in mutual pleasure, it's time to evaluate the relationship."

Plus, if there's something new you want to try, like a specific fantasy or role play, Caroline suggests writing them down on a piece of paper. Then, put each slip of paper into a jar, and you can pull them out and discuss.

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4. Find different ways to be intimate.

Slowing down and taking off the pressure doesn't only mean you'll be able to focus more on pleasure, but it'll also allow you to discover new ways of being intimate that you might not have thought of before.

Start simple. "Use feathers [and] soft materials to stroke each other and discover which touches feel great," says Catriona. "Spend some time just kissing and holding each other, or share your fantasies with one another. Light candles, set up some pillows and blankets on the floor and start being intimate in a totally different place to where you usually would," she suggests.

Using sex toys (alone or with a partner) is also a great way to discover new sensations and erogenous zones you've not explored before. For example, clit suction toys that use air pressure rather than vibrations can create a totally new sensation.

5. Consider experimenting with power play.

"Some people find power exchange to be really erotic," says Caroline, which might take place through role play, BDSM, bondage, or a wide range of different kinks.

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It's important to research anything that you want to try, and to make sure you're clued up on how to do it safely. Make sure you establish boundaries and a safe word with your partner beforehand too, and consent must always be freely given.

Power play refers to an exchange between a dominant and submissive partner. For some people, giving up control can be especially helpful if you struggle to get out of your head during sex, Caroline explains.

"Use a blindfold so there are fewer visual distractions, get some rope or hand ties out so that you have no choice but to give into pleasure," she suggests.

Ultimately, whatever you deem to be erotic depends on what feels good for youso take time to explore!

Three women share their most erotic sex stories

"I learned that every part of the body can become an erogenous zone."

- Kayla Lords, sex blogger and founder of Loving BDSM

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"One of my most erotic moments doesn't involve penetration or the typical 'foreplay' most of us think of in sex. I lay on the bed and my partner started touching me gently, moving around the bed, letting his fingers glide across sensitive parts of my body while he watched me.

"He touched the obvious placesmy nipples, vulva, and even neck. But as he stroked my stomach, the tops of my thighs, and even my forearms, I learned that every part of the body can become an erogenous zone. He did this for 30 minutes or longer, never touching the same place twice in a row or for too long. He moved slowly, as if he had all the time in the world. By the time his fingers landed (and stayed) on my vulva and clitoris, I was shaking with need and desire. He fingered me until I came. It's still one of the sexiest moments in our relationship."

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"It felt good hearing myself taking control."

- Yasmine*, 25.

"My most erotic sex recently was when I decided to take control of the situation and ask for what I wanted (which I'd always felt quite shy doing before). Lying on the bed, I reached over to start touching my partner first, and it felt good to be the first to initiate. I climbed on top first and then instructed him when I wanted to switch positions.

"With him on top of me, I told him what I wanted and where I wanted to be touched, barely managing to get out the words 'bite my neck' because it felt so good. But I think what was so erotic wasn't just how it felt, but hearing the words come out of my mouth and hearing myself taking control. I'll definitely be doing it again."

"There was something intense about being so vulnerable"

- sex blogger and author, Girl On The Net

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"During my most recent erotic experience, a guy tied me up (bound by the wrists and ankles and in a chest harness), then played with my body for ageswhipping me with a flogger, fucking me, pinching my nipples. At one point he poured prosecco on my tits and licked it off.

"I think what made it so erotic was the attention he paid to each part of me, and the hotness and intimacy of getting to watch his hands working me over: with the flogger and the rope and just touching or pinching me. The fact that I was bound, too, meant I was entirely reliant on his strength as he picked me up and moved me into different positions.

"It made me see my body in a really sexy light, and there was something incredibly intense about being so entirely under his control."

***

This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com/uk. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.

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