Orgasms, as wonderful and seemingly life-altering as they are, aren’t guaranteed every time you have sex—and honestly, they shouldn’t be the end goal, anyway. Sex could still be a great experience even without the Big O. But wanting to orgasm isn’t a bad thing, either, so we’re here to help you increase your chances of coming.
What is an orgasm?
To understand how orgasms happen, you have to really get to know your body first. When it comes to orgasms, the clitoris is one of the star players. The clitoris is a small organ that’s made up of a bundle of nerves. A lot (not all) of women need some sort of clitoral stimulation to orgasm. It’s located right underneath where the two inner labia connect at the top.
Additionally, your vagina is lined with a sensitive tissue of mucous membrane that’s covering muscle. When you’re turned on, the muscles in your body build up tension. They contract and relax, which is why there’s that feeling of ~*release*~. Your vagina swells, your heart rate goes up, you sweat, and you might look a little flushed, too.
In your head, your brain is working hard producing dopamine, a neurotransmitter that’s associated to making you feel good. On top of that, there’s oxytocin, which is making you feel close to your partner. But in other parts of your brain, like the hippocampus and amygdala, there’s actually a decreased activity during sex right before you orgasm. Those areas are in charge of regulating your emotions, specifically when it comes to anxiety and fear. This suggests that it’s super important for women to feel safe in order to come.
Types of orgasms
Clitoral orgasm – A clitoral orgasm occurs when the clitoris is stimulated through rubbing with fingers (or the hand, in general) or the tongue—usually in a circular motion. The orgasm is felt along the body, like on your skin, and in your brain, of course.
Vaginal orgasm – Vaginal orgasms happen less frequently than clitoral ones. For this to occur, the G-spot needs to be stimulated with a strong pressure. This doesn’t always mean someone’s penis, of course. When the G-spot is stimulated, it may also lead to female ejaculation.
Anal orgasm – Admittedly, anal orgasms are more common in men because of their prostate. Women can still have anal orgasms, of course, by rubbing the outside of the anus or stimulating the inside with a finger. Lube is your savior if you’re going to attempt this.
Combination of clitoral and vaginal orgasms – This one is going to need more multitasking. While a penis or a sex toy is inside of you, stimulate the clitoris at the same time. You can do this in parallel or opposite rhythms. Some people kick it up a notch by kissing the neck or the inside of the elbows aka your erogenous zones.
Don’t be afraid to communicate
Seems obvious, right? Unfortunately, there are still women who don’t express their wants and needs when it comes to sex. And it’s not their fault. When you watch movies, you see these women who orgasm within minutes, and even though you know it can’t possibly be true, you still take in the assumption that it happens that fast…that easily.
So when it doesn’t, you think there’s something wrong with you, and as a result, you keep quiet and prioritize your partner’s needs. This isn’t a bad thing because you should want to make sure they’re having fun, too, but not at the expense of your own. If you’re with someone worth anything, trust us, he or she will want you to be having fun, too. But they aren’t mind readers, so next time, open up. Tell ‘em what you want.
Ok, now that you’ve opened up the floor for a conversation, why not suggest trying something new? You hear about these couples who get stuck in a sexual rut, and one reason why this happens is because they treat sex like a check list. They already have their two go-two sex positions, and while those can still feel good, maybe it’s time to fuck outside the box.
Experimentation isn’t just for couples, though. If you’re flying solo, there are so many sex toys out there worth testing out. It’ll also give you the chance to figure out what else turns you on.
Lube can be your best friend
Your mind might be saying, “Fuck, this is so hot!” but if you’re not wet enough, that hot sex you’re having could quickly feel uncomfortable…even painful. And nobody wants that. Using lube doesn’t mean that your partner isn’t doing a good enough job, sometimes your body just can’t catch up with your brain fast enough. For times like that, lube speeds things up.
Be an active participant
Even in sex, you have to work hard. The missionary position, for example, may have you on your back, but that doesn’t mean you should literally just lie there while your partner does all the work. In fact, you can stimulate your own clitoris while in missionary. Lifting your hips higher is one of the simplest ways to up the ante.
When you’re having trouble orgasming, the last thing you need is feeling like it’s now or never, like if you don’t come in the next few minutes, it’s over. So turn your phones off, set the mood, and take your time. Forget all your responsibilities in the next few hours and focus on what your body is telling you and what’s making you feel good. Get your head in the game! ;)
Reach for your toyfriend
There’s no shame in asking for a little help—even if it’s from a battery-operated friend. A study found that more than 50 percent of women use vibrators to help them orgasm. Start off by gently pressing a vibrator against the clitoris the same way your fingers would stimulate it as you switch from one position to the next. Don’t start hard and fast right away; let the excitement and the pressure build.