9 Masturbation Secrets Guys Will Never Tell You

Maybe don't sit on that chair.
PHOTO: istockphoto

1. What they last masturbated to. 

If a guy looks you in the eyes and answers this question directly, he is either the most courageous or most insane man on the planet. Also consider that there are some questions you don’t want the answer to. Even if he were to look you dead in the eyes and confess that he cranks it to cartoon unicorn porn, are you really better off knowing that? Does that improve your life in any way?

2. How they’ve masturbated. 

If you think guys just use their hands and some lube, you’re wrong. That’s certainly the most common way, but guys have tried tons of other weird ways to get off. Couch cushions may have been involved. I’ve said too much already.

3. How often they masturbate. 

Some guys masturbate a lot, some dudes only masturbate a little. But it's unlikely you'll get an honest answer, if you get one at all.

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4. How they cleaned up. 

Hopefully they have a few tissues handy. Otherwise they could wind up finishing in their hand or on their shirt. Maybe they wound up accidentally shooting their load across the room, and now they can’t find it. He is afraid you might love him less if you knew the truth.

5. How long it takes. 

Maybe they can bang it out so quickly and efficiently it’s embarrassing. Maybe it’s more of an event and he relaxes and really takes his time. Either way, he’ll never tell you.

6. His porn browsing habits. 

Does he just dive right into whatever he sees on the front page of his favorite porn site? Does he seek out specific genres or porn stars? Does he queue up a bunch of options in case the first few are a letdown? Does he need to get some of the context to the situation, or does he just jump straight to the sex? The options are endless and may remain a buried secret for all eternity.

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7. When they last masturbated. 

It was probably five minutes ago.

8. Where they masturbated. 

Don’t think their jack off sessions are limited to just the bed. If they live alone, they’ve probably masturbated all over that house. Also, if they don’t live alone, they probably masturbated all over that house. Also, maybe don't sit on that chair.

9. Why they masturbated. 

Maybe it was because they were horny. Maybe it was because they had a few minutes to kill and they were bored. Guys don’t really need a reason.

Follow Frank on Twitter.


This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.

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