8 Crazy Masturbation Stories That Are Definitely TMI

From the hilarious to the straight-up concerning.
PHOTO: Asha Fuller

Unfortunately, not all masturbation sessions are created equally. Sometimes you fall asleep with your hands in your pants before anything happens (just me?) and sometimes your orgasm comes out of nowhere and hits you like a shot to the heart. And other times, the whole thing is just plain embarrassing.

Here, people share their most awks and shameful masturbation stories. Two words of warning: Brace yourself.

  1. "Came back from a week-long camp. Decided I wanted to shoot as far as I can, so I edge myself for an hour or so. I shot it across the bathroom, which is about 10 feet." – Via Reddit
  2. "When I was around 12 or so I used to masturbate all the time. Any chance I got I would just go to town. My sister walked in on me one time and Dora the Explorer just happened to be on TV at that moment. She still makes fun of me for 'masturbating to Dora'." – Via Reddit
  3. "Right after jerking it in a [car park], a police car pulls up beside me. I assumed that the officer knew what I was up to, so I prepared for the worst. The officer assumed I was having car problems and asked if I needed help. I let him know that all was well and I was just taking a break. It wasn't a total lie." – Via Reddit
  4. "My mom had to ask me why I stole her dildo. That day she learned I was bisexual. I washed it before and after every use. I also just took it from her drawer and never returned it." – Via Reddit

  5. "I was 13 and dog sitting for a family down the street. They left the dog out in the back garden in the middle of the Florida Summer and the thing looked miserable. So after the third day of watching this poor pooch suffer in the heat, I tried the sliding back door and found that they left it open. I originally just intended to let the dog in and leave, but then...I spent the rest of the week in the master bedroom in a pile of the wife's panties that I took from her underwear drawer, just furiously jacking off and shooting hot ropes of cum everywhere. I had to trash a few pairs of her underwear because they were fully glazed with spunk. I used their little bottle of red lube called Joy Jelly that I found in her drawer. After a few days of that, I put all her underwear back, replaced the now two-thirds-empty bottle of lube and got the fuck out of Dodge. I'm almost positive they knew." – Via Reddit
  6. "I used to be a competitive masturbator, and by that I mean I had a series of friends who would duke it out any area, anytime. Think of two basketball teams going at it, but its one-on-one instead. You couldn't break eye contact and it had to be in a sketchy area. I won when I was facing my friend Ralph in an electrical room and the building's maintenance man walked in. I looked that little man in the face and came." – Via Reddit
  7. "One time I was eager to let my big cum load off on the floor but fell off my bed and got a bruise on my ass. I still came tooit was a weird feeling." – Via Reddit
  8. "Many years ago I threw my back out. I was reclining in a bathtub of scalding hot water trying to loosen it up when I got the sudden urge to fap. I had a pretty forceful orgasm, and when I did my cock was at an angle that launched the jizz on a ballistic trajectory that ended on my right cheek, just below my eye. You read that right, I came on my own face. I'm still both impressed and disgusted by that." – Via Reddit
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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com/uk. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.

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