Ever watched a woman on film dim the lights, slip off her clothes to reveal some very expensive underwear and sensually masturbate the night away all while looking absolutely perfect? This was a stupid question because of course you have—it is the only way female masturbation is ever depicted in movies and on TV. And it's utter bullshit.
Fortunately, the tides are turning and with the emergence of awesome (and much more relatable) female-written and produced shows, we're starting to see realistic portrayals of masturbation. Think Girls, Broad City, and Orange is the New Black.
But the majority of mainstream cinema and TV is incredibly guilty of showing one, very unrealistic, performative type of female masturbation. We all know these erotic and totally idealistic fap scenes are created by men and for the male gaze. And if we let people truly believe that's how we get ourselves off every time, they're only going to think that's what they have to do to get us off and then we'll have an entire lifetime of shit fingering to endure.
So here are all the ridiculous and, frankly, rude ways in which films and TV shows lie to us about female masturbation. Can they just stop already?!
1. Women masturbate in the bathtub.
Yeah, sometimes we do (and if our sex toys are waterproof too then it can be bloody fun). But do you have any idea how long it takes to run and then have a bath? Bath time sessions are incredibly luxurious but you have to set aside a good two hours and who has time for that on the reg?
2. Women are always just naturally lubed up and ready to go.
Have you ever, like even once, seen a mainstream movie masturbation scene where before a woman sticks anything near her vulva, she rummages around under the bed for some lube and then actually slathers herself in it? This has never ever happened on-screen.
3. Women either wear lingerie or are naked when masturbating.
I would say, in the past 28 years I have "seen to" myself while naked approximately once (post-shower) and wearing lingerie? Never! Maybe some women do pop on stockings before flicking the bean (and that's obviously groovy for them and also can they tell me how to do so without ruining the damn things), but men do really need to learn that the majority of the time, we've got our hair in a bun, bullet in one hand and laptop in the other.
4. Women look stunning while coming.
My dudes, our orgasm faces do not look like that IRL—think less "angel singing hymns"and more "squinting to find the earring back we just dropped on the floor."
5. Women only masturbate with their backs perfectly arched.
According to films, all women are insanely flexible. We start off pleasuring ourselves on our backs and then as we get closer to climax, arch our backs, tilt our heads back and orgasm like that. Dude seriously, we are not all aerial performers. I can't even touch my toes.
6. Women only masturbate slowly and sensually.
It's always such a goddam romantic affair, isn't it, on shows and in movies. In reality, we have all different masturbation preferences—from fast and furious 'I just need to itch this scratch ASAP' to half-assed 'I fell asleep with my hands in my pants again'. No two wanks are the same and we all have our own thing going.
7. Women take approximately three minutes to reach orgasm.
And we ALWAYS orgasm. Because that's the end goal right? And if you don't come then what's the point? So, so wrong. Most women need a fuck load of stimulation before they can come, if they can/want to at all. Masturbating can be enjoyable sans orgasm, btw.
8. Women are obsessed with lighting candles before masturbating.
Many of us fall asleep roughly 30 seconds after coming, therefore candles are actually a giant fire hazard. Fine if that's what gets you off—no masturbating-shaming here. It just ain't for everyone.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com/uk. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.