Let me start out by saying that I had never filmed myself during sex before—with a partner or alone.
But one day, after scrolling through porn that seriously gave me the ick, I wanted to find something that was real. Something that wasn't fake, or performative, or gaining tons of views on the Internet only because it was conventionally attractive for the male gaze.
I decided I wanted to record myself masturbating.
Now, I know what you're thinking, and yes, similarly to what's going on in your head, the idea of seeing my body in pictures and videos isn't something I love because, hi, insecurities. I'm definitely not someone who is super into taking nude selfies—let alone a full-on DIY masturbating videos for my own pleasure.
But at the time, I was so horny, and so desperate for something to watch, I just wanted to see someone who looked like me orgasming. Like, really orgasming. And I figured,
who could do that better than my actual self?
After propping my iPhone up and looking at my body through the lens of my camera, I ran my hands over every curve. My stretch marks and stomach rolls were proudly on display, and for the first time in a long time, I thought "Wow, I look good. Really good."
Maybe it was my horniness that allowed me to overlook the details I don't usually like, but whatever it was, I was certainly into it—and it was really turning me on.
As I tapped the "record" button, I was mesmerized by my own sex appeal.
As I tapped the "record" button, I was mesmerized by my own sex appeal. I loved seeing the way my body reacted as I teased my nipples, ran my hands down my body, and used a finger to touch around my vulva. I teased myself for a solid twenty minutes, playing into the camera as if someone was watching through the other side.
Let's just say, it didn't take me long to orgasm. And yes, the whole thing felt amazing.
When I was completely finished, I stopped recording and filed the video away in my camera roll, telling myself I'd delete it later. But, spoiler alert: I did not delete it later.
Don't get me wrong, I fully intended to scrap the video in its entirety, but it quickly got lost under a stream of screenshots and selfies. I only remembered my video a few days later when I was once again naked, horny, and looking to come.
Alone in my bedroom, I stripped off my clothes, slid under the sheets, and searched for something dirty to watch on porn again. To no surprise, nothing was doing it for me.
At first, I thought I was just being picky. "Just click on one," I told myself. But even when I did, the videos all proved to be disappointing. They were filled with actors who looked nothing like me, with fake moans and "orgasms" from unrealistic positions.
Just when I was about to call it quits and give up all together, it hit me: I still had that video of myself masturbating.
I debated whether I should or shouldn't watch myself back. Questions like "Would I find it as sexy as I did when I originally took the video?" or "Would seeing my body like that turn me off entirely?" ran through my head.
But I couldn’t deny how much easier it would be to watch something that I knew gave me real, organic pleasure. And that thought alone sent a tingle of excitement through my body. So, I tried it.
The moment I hit play, I lost any notion of fear I'd had about seeing myself masturbating. I saw nothing but an incredibly explicit and unashamedly sexual video. I knew it was me, but because I was watching a video, I subconsciously viewed it as someone else. In doing so, I became the voyeur to my own masturbation.
I watched as I fingered myself in the video, and I became hornier than ever. I’ve always been someone who gets wet easily, but this time, it was way more noticeable.
With a couple of different sex toy options on my bed, I spread my legs wide while my body subconsciously mimicked what I was seeing. The only difference this time around was that I wouldn’t be getting a finger cramp.
As the video continued to play, I could see that I was starting to edge myself. And while I normally love getting to the point where the slightest touch of my clit sends me into spasms, I didn't want to tease... not this time. I didn't want to take my time or hold back, I just wanted to get my orgasm immediately. I needed it.
I turned my vibrator on high and my body convulsed. I noticed my feet were shaking as the pre-orgasm pressure started to build. Unable to slow my pace, my breath became more jagged and my moans got louder. There was something that felt so wrong yet so right about seeing myself that way. The rush it gave me had my whole body frozen in place.
Now I’ve had some incredible orgasms in my life so far, but this was different–every inch of me was tingling, my eyes slightly out of focus. At that moment, I genuinely wondered if I could die from it, it was that goddamn intense.
Riding out that orgasm felt like an eternity. (In reality, it was probably an extra thirty seconds or so.) All I knew was I didn't want it to stop.
Just when I thought I was done feeling all of the things, I experienced the strangest sensation: My muscles started clenching around my vibrator again. I was going straight into another orgasm, and this time, it felt like I needed to pee.
Having gone to the bathroom before, I knew it wasn’t a case of me actually needing to go—this was something else entirely. This was something I didn’t even know I was capable of: I was about to squirt.
Squirting has always freaked me out, but not because I think it’s gross, mainly because I know I’d be embarrassed after spraying all over someone. It’s silly, I know, but whenever I thought I was close to doing it in the past, I’d cut my orgasm short before I potentially flooded the bed.
But this time, I didn't care to deny myself that pleasure any longer—and I squirted. Hard. For the first time ever. All while I watched myself masturbate on the iPhone propped up across from me.
When I finally stopped coming, and honestly, I have no idea how long that took, I breathlessly laid there in silence. I was completely spent.
After years of telling myself to be ashamed of my body and my pleasure, who would've thought that the two would be the reason I had my first ever squirting orgasm?
*Name has been changed
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.
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