Orgasms, like a coffee shop that knows exactly how much foam you want on your latte, can be elusive. You have a general understanding of what you're supposed to do down there, but when it comes to partnered sex, you just can't make it click. Cosmopolitan spoke with authors, sex educators, and more to bring you these 11 tips for hacking your orgasm.
Get to it.
1. Fantasize as much as humanly possible during your day.
Carol Queen, PhD, co-author of The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone, says, "Your brain is an integral part of your sexuality, and you can fire up arousal just with your thoughts. It's also important to remember that you don't have to actually want to do the things you think about in your fantasies, but they can still help fuel the fire for what you want to do."
2. Say all of the dirty things you think about, but feel weird saying out loud.
It doesn't have to be perfect and it's OK if it feels awkward! It still counts. Plus, Queen says that even just saying sexy words links up the same brain processes that get you turned on without you having to actually do anything physically. It's all connected, man.
3. Move your body in a way that feels good to you.
It doesn't even have to be sexual. You know how sometimes when you go running or you're in yoga, you suddenly get super turned on? Yeah, that's because you're moving your body, and moving your body is bound to occasionally stir some sexy stuff up (especially when that's literally your goal). So go dance to Beyonce and get your body feelin' it.
4. Touch yourself somewhere other than your vagina for a blended orgasm.
Queen says when you add clitoral stimulation to vaginal stimulation, or add nipple stimulation to, well, anything, sex experts refer to that as a "blended orgasm." Queen explains, "Basically, it means you're boosting your sexual signal with two erogenous zones at once. It's a great way to add sensation and get yourself over the top." So instead of going to town only on your clitoris, maybe add in some nipple stimulation or inner thigh stimulation. Play around with it but shoot for that blended orgasm because it sounds awesome.
5. Get yourself out of your head and focus on what your body is actually feeling.
It might sound obvious, but Queen says it's actually something very scientific known as "sensate focus," aka paying attention to your body sensations. Queen says, "Thinking about how you look in that position or if you'll be able to come in this amount of time isn't sexy and it inhibits you. Get your brain off that hamster wheel and into the sensations of your body." Basically, lay back and scan your body to see what each part is feeling (and try to shut off your thoughts while you're at it).
6. Do Kegels because why not.
Beverly Whipple, Ph.D., president of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, says that doing kegels has actually proven to be really helpful in allowing women to have crazy great orgasms. Whipple says, "Studies have shown that the stronger the PC or pubococcygeus muscles (the ones that contract when you have an orgasm or cut off the flow of urine), the greater a woman's orgasmic response. Strengthening your PC muscles with Kegels is the most important thing you can do to improve your chances of having multiple orgasms." Worth a shot, right?
7. Masturbate in front of your partner.
Not only is it just a super hot thing to do, you're literally drawing him a guide for how he can get you off. And if anything, it'll be way hotter when he's doing exactly what you love doing to yourself.
8. Tell him exactly what to do.
Building on Queen's tip about how talking dirty helps your brain get turned on, tell him exactly what you want him to do to you. Not only will it be hot to talk super dirty to him (and get your brain revved up in the process), you'll also get exactly what you want from him. And god knows he'll appreciate the direct route to getting you off.
9. Masturbate without having the specific goal of having an orgasm.
Sometimes it can be super frustrating when you're masturbating and you can't come and all you want to do is come. Try just touching yourself (or having him touch you) for the sole purpose of exploring what feels good. Odds are you'll stumble on something that feels great, and then if you want to take it all the way from there you totally can.
10. Masturbate in different positions to find out which positions might feel good with a partner.
Try masturbating while on all fours to simulate doggy style sex, or masturbating while straddling a pillow to simulate girl-on-top sex. Once you've found the best way to reach all of the places you want to be able to reach, it's super easy to say, "Hey, let's try this position tonight." Plus, it'll take it to the next level by adding your guy.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.