When a 19-year-old woman posted on Reddit asking her fellow users to help her out with a pretty common sex conundrum, it sparked a pretty heated debate.
The woman—notyourprincessy—titled the post "boyfriend refuses to eat me" and went on to explain what's going on with her 20-year-old partner.
"I've found pretty much the only way I'd reach orgasm and it's receiving an oral," she wrote. "I'm pretty open about sex, so I've told my partner multiple times that it's basically the seventh heaven to me, and he knows it drives me crazy, but still rejects my attempts."
Right, so why would her boyfriend not want to give her what she needs to enjoy sex? "He says that he's scared about my juice, so he's tried licking my clitoris and yes, it turned me so on and I was literally shaking. But it was like two/three kisses and then he started penetrating." Been there, hun.
She continued, "I mean, I'm okay with sexual penetration, but non-penetrative sex is more sensual and enjoyable for me. What should I do or how can I be more supportive for him?"
Obviously, this issue won't resonate with everyone. Some women and people with vaginas despise being eaten out, as one writer has gotten very real about in Cosmopolitan UK before.
And the women (and men, TBH) weighed in good and hard with advice. And yeah, it turns out this is a pretty common problem women run into with their boyfriends. "I was in a similar situation and it was really hard," wrote xsxrxgxs. "Penetration just isn't everything for me, and he refused to go down there at all. 'I shouldn't have to. A man doesn't have to do that.' He was convinced women have to please their male partners, and men don't have to do jackshit in return. I respected that he was open about what he didn't want to do. He was allowed to say no. But because I was unsatisfied, I couldn't stay."
Many agreed, saying the only thing she could possibly do was break up with him because they were fundamentally sexually incompatible. "When I was your age, the thought of breaking up because of poor sex was humiliating. I stayed in an awful relationship for far too long because of that notion. Don't worry about saving face, if he's immature and can't be trained yet, don't waste another moment on him. Breaking up because of sexual incompatibility is normal in adulthood," doorbellrepairman wrote.
Rokzroz agreed, "I probably wouldn't break up for this, if this is the only reason. But I agree, you are not asking for too much, and if that bothers you and makes you unhappy, it is time to move on. And you are not the reason, he is."
Others said he was doing nothing wrong by refusing to go down on her, but that maybe she should consider refusing to go down on him. "He doesn't have to do something he doesn't like, even if it might seem selfish. Coercing people into doing anything is downright wrong. In that same vein, you're not forced to give him oral if you find his lack of reciprocity unfair. You're well within your rights to withhold oral if you wish to do so, but I'd argue that doing it as a form of blackmail to convince him to go down on you might produce results contrary to what you want," 4lynx said.
The woman explained she didn't want to stop going down on him, because she really enjoys giving oral sex. So others suggested she talk to him further to figure out what really is the problem. "You could start by asking what exactly scares him about your wetness. Is it because it's messy? Maybe suggest keeping a towel nearby so he can wipe himself. Is it the taste? Is it the smell? Are there solutions for these problems?" one user suggested. "Try talking to him further, you need to realize the reason for his refusal if you want to him to come around."
Openmindedsloth also said chatting about it more is the answer to finding a compromise, "If it's the taste, you can buy flavored lube. I'm not saying you taste bad or smell bad, maybe he has a sensitive taste palette or whatever and flavored lube could be a way around that...If he's scared about diseases/infections then get tested with him. If he doesn't tell you what his problem is, then maybe a compromise. He doesn't have to eat you out, but you could ask for fingering for at least 10-20 minutes before penetration. It doesn't have to be penetrative fingering either, he could massage the whole vulva."
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com/uk. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.