He gets in there, he trims. Maybe he shaves. Sure, if he shaves it all off, he’ll probably admit that to you. Otherwise he'd essentially be trying to convince you that he naturally has the pubic region of a naked mole rat. Maybe he’ll even try to play it off as if he can actually will himself not to grow pubic hair. As if he has psychic command over the follicles that rest in the flesh lashed to his pubic bone. Haha, anyway… while he might even admit to some manscaping, he probably won’t discuss with you at length all the weird spots he has unruly pubic hair sprout up.
It changes size like Paul Rudd in Ant Man.
It’s incredible just how versatile the human penis is. Obviously you're aware of the concept of an erection, but next time he gets out of the shower in the middle of winter after running out of hot water, make sure you're present for that moment. His penis is just gone. Not literally, but it’s like a totally different penis compared to when its erect. Seeing it in that moment is like when the lights come up after a movie and you realize your feet were inches away from a spilled soda and a bunch of melty jujubes.Continue reading below ↓
He has a distinct dick sweat smell.
There’s not much he can do about it when it’s all balmy down there in his crotch. He’s sorry he slept over and made your sheets smell like hot weiner. Don’t dick sweat shame him.
He hides it away.He tucks it, when needed. Maybe up into the band of his sweatpants at the gym, or down into his boxer briefs if his skinny jeans are too skinny.
He can’t really control his boners.Don’t get mad if you’re cuddling and he pops a boner. Don’t read into it too much if you’re watching TV and you suddenly notice he’s hard. It doesn’t mean he has a weird thing for Mary Berry on The Great British Bake-Off. Sometimes these things just… show up.
He can make it twitch, though.
He can kinda make it move around a bit. He can’t make it wave or spin around or anything without using his hand, though.Continue reading below ↓
And yes, he HAS done stuff like that.He’s definitely messed around with his penis and helicoptered in the mirror. He’s also likely tucked it between his legs, pulled it back and let it fling forward, and more!
He has a nickname for his penis, even if he won’t admit it.At some point in his life, he’s given that penis a name. It’s kind of like that old email address you made when you were younger that you still occasionally use when someone asks for an email address. And you laugh nervously and go, “Haha use XxStrawberryXFieldsxX69 at yahoo dot com.” You’re not proud of it, but it’s there. It’s entirelly possible his penis is named “XxStrawberryXFieldsxX69” also.
The relief of peeing after holding it in for a while is ALMOST as good as sex.
In fact, it might even be as good, but in a different way. The same way really good pizza and really good steak are both comparable. Unlike sex, he probably doesn’t actively seek to go on long road trips with intermittent bathroom stops. Or maybe he does, people are weird.Continue reading below ↓
He needs to shake it off to avoid dribbling.After peeing, it’s important to give his penis a firm shake, much the same way you’d blot your mouth with a napkin after a meal. Insert Taylor Swift joke here.
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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.