Look, if you’re partnered up or just have “a friend” coming over at 2 a.m., the people you live with totally knows what’s up. And even if they’re cool enough to put on headphones and blast Netflix as far away from you as possible, you still want to at least TRY to spare them the unique awkwardness of hearing a muffled moan or spank.
(And before you ask, no, you shouldn’t sneak something in because your roommate’s asleep. They are NEVER asleep!)
If the springs in your mattress won’t STFU, try a suuuuper slow, sexy missionary. But switch it up with you on top so you can roll your hips and grind instead of the usual thrustfest. It’s the quietest you can be, plus you’re in control and you can angle yourself exactly as you please.
The Silent Scream
Arrange yourselves in a spooning position with your partner behind you pressing a very quiet toy against you (the clit-pulsing kinds designed to mimic the feel of oral are shhhhhhh, and they feel amazing.) All the fun without the telltale buzzing.
The Floor Dog
If you have a squeaky bed situation, put a pillow under your knees and get down on the floor for a “muzzled” doggie. And if you’re ~loud~, get next to the bed, prop a pillow between your mouth and the mattress and moan away. Play some bass-heavy music and you can be EVEN LOUDER.
The Fast and Furious
If roomie steps out for an unspecified errand, you’ve gotta get it done, fast. Bend over the bed, with one knee up on the mattress. Your partner stands behind you, one leg on the floor, opposite foot propped on the mattress. They can grab ahold of your hips for urgent thrusting part or do a reach-around.
The Bathroom Break
If your roommate just keeps being...there, escape to the bathroom. Sit up on the sink and have your partner enter standing. Press your hand between your bodies so you can rub yourself as they thrust. Run a bath during, so you can be a little loud, then hop in for a quick cleanup after.
The F*ck and Cover
Pop in a movie, sit on the couch, and cover yourselves with a big blanket for covert mutual masturbation. Remain fully clothed—this is a job for stretchy workout clothes. If someone walks in, no one has to die of embarrassment, just shut it down and try to act innocent. (This also works v well with remote control toys.)
The Headboard Banger
If your headboard bangs against the wall, and you can’t just move the bed away from the wall, use a low-motion move that will mitigate the sex sounds. Your boo sits at the edge of the bed, you kneel over them, facing away and carefully sit back onto their dick/strap-on. Put a hand on their thigh for balance and wrap your feet back around their butt. Grind and wiggle very slowly for maximum quietness/extra sexiness and don’t forget to take care of yourself with either hand or toy.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.