Everyone is in tight quarters right now, AS YOU KNOW, and some of us are getting OMG, help severely sex-deprived. Everyone’s particular unwanted celibacy is its own special thing, but today, we’re gonna focus on just one situation: Let’s say that your partner/quarantine buddy is there with you, but other people (family, roommates, visiting relatives) are also there existing in your space, mucking up your sexing. Do not panic. You have options. You can try a stealth bang while they’re taking a shower/watching Too Hot To Handle/otherwise occupied, you can get down in the bathroom, or...you can do it in the closet. Yes, literally in the closet. Hey, man, hard times. We can do hard things.
(As for the rest of y’all: If your partner is far away, sorry, my friend, it’s FaceTime sex for you. And FFS, be safe about putting your naked-ass self on the interwebs. To get you through it, here are some long-distance sex positions to keep you going. If you need the Deep Wisdom on how to handle it, here’s some advice from people who do the LTR thing all the time, like as their regular life. And if you’re lucky enough to have a partner there with you AND they don’t load the dishwasher/adjust the heat/breathe in an incorrect manner, huzzah!, you’ve gotten the golden ticket in these End Times. You’re free to go.)
Standing Dog Only
Stand up, lean forward slightly, and brace yourself on the wall, a stack of boxes, or whatever else is sturdy in there. Your partner enters from behind—either hole, your choice. (If you opt for the butt, a versatile, quiet vibe that can be used on the clit or inside your vagina can be amazing.)
Sit And Spin
Drag a chair into the closet (quietly, not Pitch Perfect style). Lower yourself onto your partner, holding on to the back of the chair for leverage. Don’t use an office chair because sooo squeaky. Grind and thrust while your partner rubs your clit.
Put yourself where their mouth is by sitting their ass in that chair and draping your leg over their shoulder. Your partner can kiss and suck your clit while sliding a finger inside you. If you wanna make it even easier, just rest a foot on your partner’s chair seat or thigh so you don’t have to balance. The time to feel the burn is not when already inside a slightly claustrophobic space, ya feel?
The Quiet Place
For some people, sneaking off into the closet is a sexual rush. For others, it’s more fraught and you’ll need a little more than hands, mouth, and body parts to get off. Invest in a suuuper-quiet vibrator and share it with your girl. Stand up facing each other and hold the vibrator between you. You can both press against it at the same time or take turns bringing each other to the edge till you’re clinging desperately to each other.
Your partner sits or kneels on the closet floor. You squat over your partner, feet on either side of their hips. They can thrust up, you can thrust down or grind. Everyone’s just a little sore after—but worth it.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.