Yes, simultaneous orgasm seems to always magically and effortlessly happen in movies because the two people are ~soul mates~ or whatever. In reality, orgasming at the same time is neither necessary nor easy, but if you’re dead set on it as a one-off bucket list thing, go for it! If you get there, great. If you don’t, it’s fun trying anyway!
Sometimes P-in-V sex is very stimulating to the P-haver but not so much to the V-haver. Even the playing field with a slow grind so that the movement is focused on their pubic bone rubbing against your vulva, instead of the in and out of a thrust. This has all the benefits of missionary—the eye contact, the feel of them on top of you and such—but their scooting up just a smidgen and rubbing on you makes a huge difference. Another thing that helps a lot? An insertable couples vibe or a vibrating cock ring!
The Guided Tour
Even though tons of women do not come from P-in-V sex, it’s all kinds of fun to try and come with P-in-V. The difference is bringing your own extra stimulation to the party. The easiest way to make this happen is to hop up on a barstool or countertop, so you can use a toy without it getting in the way. And make sure you both communicate throughout. If you have an orgasm while they’re inside of you, it can feel amazing to both of you!
“If you want to try to come at the same time, it’s a lot easier to try while masturbating together than finagling a specific position,” says Anne Hodder-Shipp, ACS, a multi-certified sex and relationship sex educator. “If you’re with a partner and you’re not fluid-bonded yet, mutual masturbation is the safest form of sexual contact—you cannot transmit an STI or get pregnant.” Lie side by side facing each other, fill your hand with lube, and stroke yourselves. Pay close attention to each other—sounds, expressions, breathing—to help sync yourselves to each other’s arousal. “It’s incredibly intimate because there are few things more vulnerable than experiencing pleasure on your own in front of someone who you are connected with,” says Hodder-Shipp.
The Wand-erful Time
If your partner comes very quickly and/or you need a lot more time, try a thicker condom (look for words like “extended pleasure”). You can even put a dollop of desensitizing gel that’s safe to use with a condom inside. Add a Wand-type vibrator for powerful stimulation for you and an easy reach-around for them.
The Tortoise And The Stare
If it takes you longer than your partner to get into it, go ahead and start on your own. Take to your bed and enjoy whatever solo love gets you juuust to the point of no return. When you’re beyond ready, invite them in and pounce on them. If they’re on their way over, text them to tell them exactly what they’re missing; if they’re in the other room, make some noise so they can better imagine what you’re doing in there. V good if you’re kind of inhibited because once you get to a certain point, you no longer give AF.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.