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IYKYK: Here Are 6 Signs That You're Having *Sexual Tension* With Someone

In case you need some unbiased confirmation. ;)
signs of sexual tension
PHOTO: Pexels

Chilling at a restaurant bar and feeling a little nosy? Here’s a fun game for ya: Look around and try to guess what number date the couple next to you is on. Take inventory of their body language—the knees pointed directly at each other, the nervous lean-ins, the we-still-haven’t-slept-together-and-are-absolutely-dying-to handsiness. “Hmmm, second. Maybe third,” you might guess while placing your bet. And, if you’re any good at reading social cues, you probably have a decent chance of getting it right. That’s because sexual tension is palpable—a kind of horny energy that is just so apparent to any onlooker. And while it’s easy to see, it’s sometimes hard to define and even harder to know the signs when you’re the one experiencing the sexy energy exchange.

According to Rhiannon John, sexologist at BedBible, sexual tension is an essential aspect of intimacy and plays a vital role in maintaining passion and connection in relationships, which is why it’s important to understand what exactly it is you’re feeling. “Sexual tension is the electricity that arises from attraction and desire between two people. It's the energy that sizzles between them, creating a sense of anticipation and longing that can be both pleasurable and uncomfortable,” explains John. If you’re engaging in healthy sexual situations that create tension, you’ll likely feel excited and turned on—and maybe even a little confused or anxious.


It’s contradictory, we know: While the tension can sometimes be hot and fun, it can also feel a lot like sexual frustration. That’s because your brain is literally fighting itself over your sexy feels, says marriage and family therapist Katie Miles, LMFT. Essentially, the hypothalamus (the brain's pleasure center) wants to feel good and motivates you by releasing sex hormones like estrogen and testosterone, Miles explains. But the frontal lobe—responsible for impulse control (aka the judgment center)—basically tells your body you shouldn’t be having those feelings for whatever reason. “[Sexual frustration] is the debate between your pleasure brain wanting to get some sexual gratification and your frontal brain assessing the obstacles and risk involved,” says Miles.

However you define it, there are some pretty obvious, telltale signs of sexual tension. We’ve listed a few below, in case you want to check yourself—or the person you’re flirting with—for evidence of some good, ol’ fashioned carnal urges.

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How to Tell if It’s Sexual Tension

1. Check Their Body Language…and Your Own

When there's mutual sexual tension between two people, it can often be felt through subtle cues and signals. According to Certified Sex Therapist Desirée N. Robinson, physical touch is one of them. A gentle touch on the arm and leaning in to chat with one another are all typical signs that some sexy energy is brewing, but Robinson urges you to dig deeper into your own feelings, as well. “I also like for folks to check in with how they are engaging with someone else. Ask yourself: ‘How alive does my body feel with them?’”

2. You Feel Adrenaline to the Max

Unlike physical touch, some signs of sexual tension might go unseen. “In matters of sex, lust, and anxiety, there’s some overlap,” says Miles. “Anxiety and sexual responses can both make your heart race, increase your blood pressure, and give you that feeling of adrenaline.” This emotionally-rattling pleasure is why people sometimes confuse feelings of hate with feelings of sexual tension (the enemies-to-lovers trope, anyone?). It also explains why you might be nervous while engaging with someone you feel sexual tension with or why you might feel naturally high after being in their presence.


3. You Engage in Playful Banter

Taylor Swift was right: You should take it as a compliment if someone gets drunk and makes fun of the way you talk. According to John, engaging in playful banter or teasing is another sign of Big Sexual Energy.

4. Unwavering Attention All Around

If there's a lot of prolonged eye contact going on, chances are there’s sexual tension in the air, says Jess McCann Ballagh, author and relationship coach. Ballagh, who believes that you need both parties to be involved to feel sexual tension, says prolonged eye contact can feel like a mini-date that no one else can see or get in on. “It feels great, and you don’t want to break away from it,” she adds.

5. Your Friends Notice the Energy

Another way of gauging sexual tension is how outsiders view you and your (maybe) partner’s interactions. “It’s nearly unavoidable for people to notice when both parties are feeling something for each other,” adds Jones. So if all your friends pull you aside after watching you interact like, “What was that?!?” then that’s another good indication that it was, in fact, sexual tension.


6. The Tension Feels Like Foreplay

According to sexologist Madalaine Munro, sexual tension is the absence of immediate gratification. And while that may sound (and can definitely be) frustrating, it also has a way of keeping us present and grounded in our bodies. “When we are present, we can be attuned to what we are really feeling in our bodies. This can amplify the pleasure that we are feeling and intensify the intimacy,” explains Munro. And when that intimacy isn’t goal-oriented, it creates so much more freedom to explore—hence why sexual tension might feel slightly like foreplay: it’s erotic. “Plus, when something’s off limits, desire can be boosted,” says Munro. “There may be an added dynamic of taboo or naughtiness that can add to a sense of danger.”

Okay, but how do you know if sexual tension is mutual?

Honestly, it tends to be one of those “when you know, you know” kinda things. That said, any time there are heightened feelings going on, there's aways a chance of misreading the signals. If you feel like you're working hard to keep someone engaged, chances are they're not feeling the same vibes.


“If you are overworking to connect with someone you feel sexual tension for, it is neither mutual nor rewarding,” says psychotherapist and certified sex therapist Desirée N. Robinson. According to Robinson, the best way to know if the sexual energy goes both ways is to pay attention to what you’re putting out, and to whether or not the other person is actively receiving and reciprocating.

*This story originally appeared on Minor edits have been made by editors.

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