"He's so hot that I make his bed any time I sleep over, I want him to like me that badly," I confessed to my girlfriend at happy-hour drinks. Judging by her reaction, it made me think: Wait, am I the only one who does this?
Hopefully not, because if you've never been caught so far into the treacherous depths of dicksand that you've never made your situationship’s bed the morning after, do you even know what it’s like to date? Probably not. But if I really am the only one doing this, let me clue you in on what I like to call The Bed-Making Theory.
If someone likes you—and I mean really, really likes you—they'll make your bed the morning after they've slept over. The same applies to you if you find yourself making *their* bed the morning after at their place. It’s literally the first step to love. Allow me to explain....
Straightening up this person's sheets in the morning is a pretty selfless thing to do. It says very loudly: "Hey, look at me, I notice the little things, and I would add value to your life. Do you see me making your bed? Give me attention and call me to get round two."
Once I realized that I regularly do this with guys I desperately seek attention from, I've since thought about what it actually means to make someone's bed. Am I doing it because I want to pretend I’m tidier than I am? Do I feel bad that they now have tangled-up sheets and I want to show them I care? Or am I just a really, really good person? Unclear.
I do know one thing though: Making someone's bed before I leave for my morning stride of pride makes me feel like I'm the best fake girlfriend these dudes have ever been in non-relationships with. It's silly, but it gives me a tiny bit of hope that they’ll actually save my number in their phone this time. (Some may call this pathetic, but bear with me....)
I caught myself doing this with Jim*, who I met last May on a dating app. He was, well, make-the-bed-after-sleepover hot, mostly because he looked exactly like my celebrity crush John Mayer—and trust me, he knew it too. Our first date consisted of him talking about how much he looked like the greatest guitar player of our generation, and it was the first time I ever had to ask a date to stop talking about my favorite songwriter. (For the record, he didn’t look exactly like John Mayer—Jim had brown eyes, John has hazel.)
We "dated" (read: sent each other dog memes) for a week, but it was clear this was only a hookup. I mean, the guy had a giant sex drawer of condoms, lube, and poppers in his nightstand. He also had a box of tampons in the bathroom that was clearly another girl's attempt to mark her territory. Well, Tampon Lady, guess how I marked my territory? I made his bed.
If I'm being truthfully, genuinely honest with myself, I knew I made his bed for the wrong reasons.
Unfortunately, that did nada for my and Jim's relationship. He did the slow fade, and I was gone before I could start washing his dishes too (kidding).
If I'm being truthfully, genuinely honest with myself, I knew I made his bed for the wrong reasons. Deep in my heart, I knew this dude wasn't going to be anything more than someone I texted, "U up?" I was overcompensating and trying to make him consider me as something more than a booty call—you know, someone who is a responsible young adult, whose life is so together that she has enough time to make someone else’s bed. But I guess he didn't get that memo.
Now, I've since moved on and recently started dating a guy who can't help but make my bed any time he spends the night. Clearly, The Bed-Making Theory is a dead giveaway that he's super into me.
The bottom line: This theory tracks. So the next time you hook up with someone, pay attention to the bed the follow morning. The tuck-and-fold—or lack thereof—will show you who is ready to delete their dating apps for you.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.