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The 9 Most Stressful Things About Getting A Blow Job

For one, does he have an exit strategy for his orgasm?
PHOTO: Karine Basilio

"Getting a blow job" isn’t really considered a stressful situation. And to be fair, it's really not. Giving a blow job is probably (almost definitely) more stressful. But blow jobs still have their stressors. Really, just about anything has stressors if you're neurotic enough.

1. Wondering if this is a blow job to completion or just foreplay. 

Sure, he could ask, but that would involve you stopping so you can answer him. So instead he just lays there, staring at the ceiling and hoping for some kind of sign that he can either orgasm or prep for intercourse.

2. Teeth. 

This is just self-explanatory.

3. Having your face that close to his butt.

Okay, okay, it's on the other side of where the action is going down, but it's still close. Butts are too easily neglected during grooming. They're not really something we can see ourselves without the help of a mirror. As such, we can have a lot of gross things going on down there. Even the most perfectly manicured butt can get pretty grody after walking around outside on a hot summer day. And now your face is all adjacent up in there.

4. Wondering if there's even a chance you'll puke. 

Guys are well aware our penis can trigger a gag reflex. Maybe this blow job is too vigorous. Maybe you've both got some liquid courage sloshing around in your belly. Maybe you just ate some bad oysters. Maybe the oysters are sloshing around in there, too. Maybe it's all of the above and it's all happening in slow motion. Maybe it'll be a while before he asks for another blow job.


5. Getting one of his pubes stuck in your teeth. 

There is nothing sexy about that. There's nothing sexy about you stopping to awkwardly fish it out. There's no way either of you can make it sexy. There's no way this is even a fetish (it's probably a fetish).

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6. Wondering what the plan is supposed to be for his semen. 

As a couple, you should plan a blow job like you plan a bank heist. You need to establish the exit strategy in advance. Otherwise, no matter how great everything else goes, it's going to go to crap at the end. Make sure both parties know whether you’re swallowing, or spitting, or covering it with your hand, etc. Picture a gang of robbers blowing a vault and running out the door with duffel bags full of money, only for one of them to yell, "What do I do with this!?" That’s not the time to ask that question.

7. Over-analyzing every single stop, start, and head tilt. 

Basically, he is looking for any and all signs that you're still as into this as he is.

8. Trying to find the nicest way to ask for literally anything. 

He may want more or less tongue or a different pace, but honestly he's so happy you're doing this to begin with that he's definitely stressing about how to ask without looking like an asshole.

9. Getting it in your nose or eye. 

Almost all porn ends with a facial, and if this is your thing too, cool. But it's not everyone's, and any guy who has ever accidentally blasted someone in the nose or eye knows just how bad it can hurt. You're brandishing a loaded weapon and pointing it right at someone's face.

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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.