1. His other social media profiles are really private.
You're really hitting it off, but the dude is basically a ghost. No Instagram, no Twitter, no Facebook. No one who online dates is "off the grid." He's hiding a dark secret (or he just has a girlfriend).
2. He goes dark for huge chunks of time.
He's responding to your texts almost immediately. You're thinking things are going really well so far. And then suddenly you don't hear from him for 12 hours. Then conversation resumes at 4 a.m. like nothing ever happened. Is he sleeping during the day and going out at night to fight crime? Is he Batman? SPOILER ALERT: He is not Batman.
3. You get a text that seems like it was meant for someone else.
Either he's being really forward with you or that "thinking of you" text was only sent to you because he wasn't paying attention.
4. He sends 15 texts in a row when you don't respond right away.
You didn't respond to the first five? Time to send nine more just to make sure you're not missing them. If he's this…attentive now, just wait until you meet in person.
5. He avoids personal lines of questioning.
You're probably hoping he has a sexy, checkered past. Maybe he was a spy or something. In reality, he just doesn't want you to find out about his DUI.
6. He makes every text into a sext.
He knows better than to explicitly text, "I m so horne" or ask for pictures of your breasts, but he's always steering the conversation in a sexual direction. Like: "lol u r in bed right now? i wish I was there lol ;-)"
7. He's always "at the gym" or "just getting out of the shower."
Think about his sweaty, naked body, dammit. At least, that's what he wants you to do. There's no way anyone showers or lifts that much, bro.
8. He flakes out on plans last minute.
You've had plans to meet up on multiple occasions, and something always happens. Either his mom gets sick or he gets a flat tire or his mom gets sick again. Bailing twice might be an unfortunate coincidence. Bailing eight times means he's hoping you'll send him nude pictures without him ever having to actually meet you.
9. He tries to impress you with humblebrags.
He's always complaining about the long hours he works, but he makes really good money, so it's OK. He needs money for all those vacations he takes. Maybe you can go with him sometime. People are always checking him out when he walks down the street, but he hates the attention. Everyone likes to talk themselves up when you first meet them, but he really forces conversations in odd directions just to get the chance to make himself look cool.
10. He leads off with a dick pick.
Even if it's a really pretty dick, the odds that this guy is going to be a good husband are slim to none. There's no future here.
11. He calls you "baby" within his first three messages.
Unless you are actually a giant baby, Benjamin Button-style, there's no reason for some guy you don't know to call you that. "Baby" is code for "I think wearing puka shell necklaces is cool, and no matter where we go, I'm secretly going to do coke in the bathroom."
12. His idea of a date is really just a thinly veiled sexual euphemism.
"Hey, how about for our first date, we grab a bite to eat, and then I [vague reference to oral here]." Chances are slim you are going to be like, "Yeah, dude. Let's go grab some Frostys and then bang." Socially competent people know to just ask someone out to dinner and then let the banging happen organically.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.