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The Emotional Stages Of Facebook Stalking Your Boyfriend's Ex


1. "I'm just curious, that's all."

I'll just take a quick look at her page. That's it. I won't go snooping around.

2. "20 Mutual Friends?!"

What are my friends doing being friends with this person? Like I need more proof that she’s real.

3. "Oh wow. She's pretty."

And thin. And smart. And people seem to really love her, judging from the number of likes and comments she gets on her posts.She could have at least let me have my smarts, but no. She has to have EVERYTHING. I hate her already.

4. "I must look some more."

I’ll just scroll down some more, find out a little bit more about her. Please, please, please let me see some unflattering posts, maybe a photo of her in a tacky outfit or taken at a bad angle or maybe a status update with horrendous grammar, so I can sleep better tonight.

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5. "Why is my boyfriend even with me?"

He dated this super-hot chick, and he’s with me? What is wrong with him?

6. "She has a boyfriend already. YES!"

OH THANK GOD. Not that I don’t trust my guy. I’d just feel a lot better if his ex isn’t out being single and ready to mingle with that ridiculously skinny bikini body of hers. (Also, I hope that guy in photos with her is her boyfriend, not just some creepy male friend who likes to stand really close and put his arm around her.)

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7. "Hmmm... She actually seems pretty cool."

Yeah, I can see why my boyfriend would be into her. Wait, is that respect I actually feel for my boyfriend’s ex?

8. "But my guy’s better off with me…right?"

I mean, look at her posts. She was so wrong for him. It would never have lasted between them. It’s kind of reassuring, actually. And I must never forget that he chose me. He chose me. He chose me. REPEAT TO SELF 100 EFFING TIMES.

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9. "I better not see him still liking her photos."

And I better not see a photo of them together. Let me check some more, just in case.

10. "Just one more photo, promise."

I have work to do.

11. "Just one last, I swear."

Why do I find this woman so fascinating?!


I can't help clicking. It's like a compulsion. And I’ve gone so far into her profile pictures, I even know what she was wearing on Christmas Day with her relatives in 2010. Also, I now know who her relatives are.

13. "Holy shit, get that cursor away from the like button!!!"

That was close. I’ll never be able to live with myself if I accidentally like a photo and she figures out I’ve been stalking her. I might as well stamp the word “INSECURE” on my forehead.

14. "Wow, that was emotionally exhausting."

I’m NEVER doing that again.Or I’ll try not to, at least. Tao lang.

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