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The Emotional Stages Of Finding Out Your Ex-Boyfriend Is Married

Whatever. I never really loved him anyway.

1. What? He’s married?! Wait, what is this I'm feeling? Why is my heart racing? Why am I going cold all over? Why do my limbs feel numb? OMG, am I about to pass out?

2. Oh, thank god, it's just shock. Not, like, heartbreak or anything, ha ha. It'll pass. I’ve been over him for years. YEARS.

3. I better go stalking on Facebook to confirm the news. Yep. Married. Let me go through these wedding pictures just to torture myself be sure.

4. Wow. He really let himself go. Ha! THAT’s what his wife will have to put up with now. Good luck, girl.

5. Look at them, looking so happy. Happier than we were when we were dating, obviously. Now that I think about it, did he ever smile that way when he was with me?

6. I can't believe I spent years of my life in a relationship with this guy.
It never would've worked between us, I can see that now. I mean, just look at the girl he ended up marrying. She's nothing like me, and I'm awesome. I rest my case.

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7. She's not even pretty. Or maybe she is, but, like, only at an angle. In any case, that wedding gown is not doing her any favors.

8. But what does she have that I don’t? Why did he ask to marry her and not me? Not that I would want to marry him now—eww no, I already know I dodged a bullet with that one—but it would’ve been nice to have been asked, you know?

9. Should I give him my well wishes? Um, probably not. It was a bad break up, and we haven’t even spoken since the day we left each other in tears three years ago. Or rather, I was in tears, like ugly mascara tears. He was just there, staring at his feet.

10. Whatever. I never really loved him anyway. Plus, I never told anyone this, but he was a lousy lay. THAT’s another thing his wife will have to put up with now. Good luck, girl.

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11. Bitch, I’m SO over him. Honestly, I don't care anymore. It’s just that all these reminders from the past came rushing back because I found out that he had gotten married. I haven’t even given him a thought in years—okay, months, maybe weeks—until a common friend brought up the news. Promise.

12. I can be happy for them. In fact, I AM. It’s all water under the bridge now. They could honeymoon in Paris and pop out 15 beautiful babies and live in a penthouse condo that’s a hundred times the size of my studio apartment and I’d be 100% ~cOoL~ with it. Live and let live and all that.

13. Dammit, when am I ever going to get married? Everyone knows my ex won the break up because he got hitched first. I hope this new guy I’m dating proposes to me this year. Or next. Or anytime within this lifetime. PLEASE, UNIVERSE.

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